What It Takes To Be A Great Mentor

I’ve been lucky enough to have a handful of amazing mentors in my life.

These people instilled in me a sense of calm assurance, confidence, and trust. They’ve helped me navigate the rough patches of life and business. They’ve helped me make decisions. They’ve helped me understand myself. And they’ve helped me do things I never thought I’d be able to do.

But what I love the most is that these people were not dictating how I should live my life or what I should do with it. Rather, they were helping me see the possibilities, and then standing back and letting me choose my path.

And that drove me crazy at times because I wanted specific guidance on what was right, wrong, good, bad — you name it — but this is how they encouraged me to learn: they provided supportive guidance while I figured out what’s right for me (and not them).

I left those conversations feeling like I could conquer anything because of their faith in my abilities, rather than their own expectations of what was possible for me.

In the end, it’s this willingness to be completely vulnerable and open with another person that makes someone a great mentor. Here are some other qualities that make up a great mentor:

1. The willingness to be vulnerable

Thanks to Brene Brown and other leaders discussing the topic, vulnerability is not the buzzkill it used to be. Instead, it’s a key advantage for any leader, not least of all a mentor. Your ability to be often in the unknown, allowing yourself to be emotionally touched by the journey of another and opening your heart is tremendous strength.

It’s hard enough for some people to be this way with their friends and family.  But with a mentee it can be especially challenging, because you don’t start out knowing each other or trusting each other. You have to earn that trust, which takes time and vulnerability on both sides. And don’t forget that mentees are also looking for a mentor who is willing to share their own experiences and vulnerabilities; someone who doesn’t seem like they have all the answers all the time.

2. The willingness to stand in wisdom, rather than teaching

The mentor is often a seasoned professional who has knowledge and experience to share. The mentee is typically the newbie; eager to learn the ropes before making the same mistakes others have made.

Newly tapped mentors may find themselves in teaching mode more frequently than necessary. This is a journey, so forgive yourself if you find yourself playing teacher. The road leads to wisdom, which is quite a different stance than teaching. Wisdom has certain partners – silence, compassion, discernment – that elevate beyond teaching.  The mentor knows the mentee must find their own way and is willing to stand in wisdom as a witness to the growth of another.  The discernment allows the mentor to know when to step in, step beside, and step back.

Together, mentor and mentee form a partnership that benefits both parties. The mentee grows in skill and confidence, while the mentor shares their wisdom and perhaps gains a new perspective by walking in another’s shoes.

3. A deep commitment to the growth of others

As a mentor, your primary intent must be the growth – emotional, spiritual and professional – of others while maintaining your own personal integrity and boundaries. I once had a student who didn’t understand boundaries and would keep calling me at all hours of the day to ask questions on my opinion or talk about her issues.

The relationship between a mentor and mentee is not a friendship, nor should it be confused as one. It is an opportunity for growth for both parties, but primarily for the mentee.

4. The willingness to learn alongside the mentee

One of the most important skills to obtain as a mentor is the ability to learn — from your mentee, from your own experiences, and even from the company’s mission or other mentors. You must be able to teach what you know, but also be open to learning new things. If you’re not willing to learn with or alongside your mentee, you won’t be able to give them the resources they need for success.

The best mentors are always thinking about ways they can help their mentees succeed, and let them know when they need some help on something. And they understand that good mentoring relationships aren’t static — they grow along with the mentee.

5. A crazy mix of both uncertainty and confidence

Not too unlike vulnerability, the mix of uncertainty and confidence says that you are human. You can never fully know what is best for another person, creating uncertainty as you guide. Yet, you are fully confident in your wisdom, knowledge, ability and values.

The confidence acknowledges the uncertainty and permits the journey to unfold.

6. A wicked amount of trust built over time

The trust between a mentor and mentee implies a high level of emotional intimacy. The best mentoring relationships are created with the highest intentions of support, truth-telling, feedback, and love. But this level of intimacy has to be earned over time and through multiple experiences together before vulnerability can be shown by both parties and trust can be built between them.

Once trust is there, it’s like an unbreakable bond. As a mentor, you have to earn that level of trust time and time again until it becomes part of the fabric of your relationship.

It takes someone who is a leader to be serious about being a mentor. The mentor should hold themselves accountable, keep track of progress, and make sure that they are truly available to help the mentee. They should be humble enough to know when they need advice themselves, realize that they have not walked the path their mentee is on, and have the wisdom to seek out the right people for advice.

What have been some of your hardest-won lessons as a mentor, or a mentee? Share with me in the comments.