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Ending the Year with the Same Baggage?

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What baggage are you carrying forward from the beginning of the year that was left unaddressed during the year?  It’s a hard question to ponder and to face, yet crucial if you are to enter a new decade with a clear plan for completion. 

There is nothing more draining to a business than a nagging issue, challenge or problem that is known and left unaddressed for a long period of time.  This toleration sucks the life out of you.  Most pressing are those darned human issues that still require a resolution.

Those darned humans!  

  • What leadership issue entered 2019 as a low hum that has become a rattle and a bang?   
  • What talent conversations were continually were relegated to the “I’ll get to it later” category? 
  • Who is still on your team who needed a dignified exit in 2019? 
  • Who is still waiting for simple feedback that could easily resolve an underground danger? 

Do you find yourself putting off the people issues at the expense of the health of your business?  You are not alone, and it is costing you.

Research from Joseph Grenny and David Maxfield, authors of the New York Times bestseller, Crucial Conversations, shows every conversation failure costs an organization an average of $7,500 and more than seven workdays. 

Why do you fail to deal directly with the people issues in your business and resolve them once and for all?  Well…. maybe because dealing with humans can be tricky.  Your discomfort butts up against their discomfort.  Your discomfort can distort your message.  Their discomfort (read:  fear) diminishes ability to fully listen.  Wow.  Forget about it – many choose to put this off and deal with less stressful issues like strategy, process or profit.  Ha! 

“Behind every communication problem is a sweaty ten-minute conversation that you don’t want to have.”
– Gay Hendricks, Author, The Big Leap

The people issues become toxic to your culture when left unaddressed.  You don’t want to carry a bag of unresolved people issues into the next decade.  You DO want to shore up your leadership, your courage and your communication to let some of that stuff go. Let’s create a powerful plan of thoughtful action. Here are some tips: 

1. Take Stock

Center yourself and create an emotional state of neutrality. Take a good look at the performance, attitude and results of your team. List the plusses and the minuses.  Prioritize the issues based upon level of pain and impact on the organization. 

2. Get the Facts

Without allowing yourself to get bogged down in the diminishing return of too much data, make sure that you have the appropriate facts.  Was there an over-arching business issue that created human issues?  What specific performance suffered?  What demonstratable results occurred?  Who, what, where, when, why and how will be important questions. 

3. Plan and Have the Conversation

The SBIC feedback formula of Situation, Behavior Observed, Impact of the Behavior and Change or Continuation Required is a good way to pre-frame the conversation.   

  • The Situation puts the conversation in context (“When you were talking to Joe….”).   
  • The Behavior Observed keeps the conversation about what can be altered, rather than about someone’s personality.  (“This is the behavior I observed…”) 
  • The Impact is buy-in.  When you articulate impact, accountability becomes clear. (The impact on the business is …)
  • Finally, the Change or Continuation part of the conversation is the brainstorm about how to continue what is working or how to change what is not.  (“To improve, make this change…” or “To continue, keep doing this….) 

Plan the formula and then have an honest and open conversation.  Make sure to listen! 

4. Make the tough decisions with dignity

What if you decide to let someone on your team go?  Do it with dignity. There is a behavior, an outcome, an expectation that is not meeting the standard.  Or perhaps they are not the right fit for the seat with no option to retain them.  Communicate clearly and with respect.  Manage your emotions and honor theirs. 

5. Give yourself some slack – you are doing the best you can with what you know.

Enough said!  To co-opt a familiar phrase, “practice makes perfect”.  Keep having the conversations and you will become more and more skilled over time. 

Left to your own devices, you may still struggle with the people component of your business.  People issues are hard!  You may need some help in the form of personal leadership or team leadership development.  Get the support!  Leadership and professional development are the best investments you could every make.  Leadership training or coaching exposes the issues, heals the wounds, enables the good players and strengthens communication (the glue). 

Have the conversations.  Make the decisions.  Resolve the unresolved.  This time next year, you will be celebrating a clean slate and be ready to tackle the next set up up-leveled opportunity! 

What are You Permitting By Your Failure to Address It?

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What you tolerate, you permit.  What you judge, gets repeated. 

Humans tend to show up in extremes – either you are turning a blind eye, or you are super critical to the nth degree. With this in mind, you are constantly in a ping pong game of permitting things that you don’t really want or judging things that don’t please you. When you do have any energy to make a change? 

Consider any area of your life – a messy coat closet in your home, for example.  How many times do you open that closet door to retrieve something and never notice the mess?  Or the other occasions when you open the door and begin judging your family (or yourself!) for being lazy, messy, rude…..  At the end of the day, the closet will stay messy and you will use up all of your mental energy in permitting or judging. 

The antidote is setting appropriate expectations and boundaries – and all with the magic, secret weapon of managing your emotions. 

Tall order?  I’m always encouraging my clients and students to find the neutral place – get neutral.  That is the place where you’re even, observing and assessing – not judging or reacting. 

Why is this important as we look at expectations and boundaries versus tolerations and judgement?  You have to have a clear head to see what is really going on and you have to be in a forgiving, neutral place to break the pattern.  

Let’s go back to tolerations and judgments and look at the mechanics: 

Turning a blind eye happens because you have put up with it so long that it has become a part of your “normal”.  When you step back to assess in neutrality, you can see that it’s insane what you are tolerating.  That is likely to make you angry.  The anger turns to judgement and both fuel your reaction.  The thing that you’ve been putting up with all of a sudden becomes a national emergency.  And the people who have been doing the thing that you have been putting up with are on the receiving end of your reaction.  But, they are confused.  You have implicitly informed them – maybe for years – (by your toleration) that this behavior is acceptable.  And now you’re ticked off?  You react and then they react and soon everyone is judging everyone else and you have – well, a mess. 

Rewind.

 

Today you are taking an assessment of what is working and not and you realize that you have allowed a certain behavior in your environment.  Either too busy to notice or too conflict-adverse to address it, it continues.  Have your feelings, for sure.  Don’t react to them.  Continue to assess and ask yourself what behavior you’d prefer.  When you figure it out, come clean.  “Guys this thing has been going on for some time and I apologize that I’ve never addressed.  I want to reset the expectation.  This is the expectation. What do you think we can do to change?  You might get some pushback – “this is the way we have always done it”.  It’s ok. no reaction needed.  Simply hold the boundary that the expectation has created.  The boundary creates safety and direction. “I know that’s the way we have done it for a year.  It’s important that we change it for these reasons….”   

When you create the change…don’t leave it dangling.  Coach those who are not meeting the new expectation (coach = asking open ended questions, sharing your observations and holding the intention that the person will make a good choice) and recognize the behaviors that you want to see continued. 

Soon, the toleration evaporates, and a new expectation is put into place. 

Where are you tolerating and, more importantly, why?  Take a self-assessment with these following tips:  

  1. Awareness:  You walk into the room and feel an energy drain.  What have you been tolerating that you may have never truly noticed? 
  2. Hold Your Reaction:  When you realize the toleration, what emotion do you feel?   
  3. The New Expectation:  What would you prefer to see instead?   
  4. Manage the Change:  Who else needs to be involved and what more needs to be communicated?   
  5. Coach and Recognize:  How can we sustain the new normal?   

The energy you formerly expended with the nagging tolerations and the mental chatter of judgment can be better spent creating the life and business that you desire.  It just takes a little awareness, some new expectations and then asking for what you want. 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

 

Own Your Side of The Street

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Is there anything you need to clear up with anyone in your business or life?  Let’s do it.   

Clearing up with another person is about owning your side of the street for whatever drama or story you have been carrying around for however long that has been.  It’s about taking responsibility for your own life and experiences.    

When you’ve carried a resentment or judgment, the facts are blurred, and the story takes on a life of its own, creating energetic drag that leads to resistance.  Everything becomes more difficult and when your energy is drained you cannot lead effectively. 

What’s more, if you don’t clear things up, you run the risk of carrying the resentment or bad feelings into a new situation.  You become a prisoner to your own story.  It’s so much easier to deal with the facts while honoring the feeling. 

Consider the story of Claire. 

Claire was a rising executive in her organization.  She was a key confidante of the CEO and regularly was called upon for participation in key meetings and strategic sessions.  She was an invaluable executive in the company.   

There was only one problem.  Even though she led a key division in the organization, she was regularly left out of opportunities to “be at the table”.   

This came to a head when all executives, except Claire, were invited to a year-end celebration.  Her familiar reaction was to feel victimized and to blame outside of herself.  This led to hard feelings which impacted her willingness – even her ability – to participate.  

Thanks to some great coaching, she was able to turn it around and take responsibility for the exclusions.  She got curious and asked herself, “what am I doing that creates this outcome?”.  With that perspective and without blame, she cleared the air with her CEO.  She expressed her feelings of disappointment in the exclusions and owned how she had never challenged or asked for inclusion.   

This turned out well and illuminated something about which the senior executives were not aware.  Claire was included at the highest level from that day forward. 

She took responsibility for her situation and had the courage to own her part in it….and the temerity to ask for something different. 

Put yourself in Claire’s shoes.  Even though her story is not yours, I suspect there is something you’ve been hanging onto that could be cleared and create personal freedom. 

Here are five steps to clearing the air.  It’s a Freedom Formula – and it’s simple, but not easy. 

    1. When something happens, acknowledge the facts about it and not the made-up story.
    1.  Ask yourself, “what is my contribution to this situation?”  
    1. Unravel the story that you have made up about the situation, including the assumptions about the other person’s motive or anything that would cause you to blame and feel victimized. 
    1. Talk to the other person (if not feasible, write it in a letter you will not send).  This step is about the facts of the situation, stated without blame, coupled with whatever you need to apologize and whatever contribution you own.   
  1. The final step is to move forward – offering what you can do to clear this up with specific and clear actions or requests. 

This might seem counter-intuitive. We are wired to protect our personalities.  That protection often comes at the price of our freedom.  Maybe the relationship won’t be restored in Step Five, but what is restored is your energy and your integrity and your peace of mind.  

If you are aware of this and make clearing the air a regular practice, wonderful things will happen for you, not the least of which is: 

    • You will release situations that used to hang on for years draining your energy. 
    • You will become facile with factually sharing your withheld thoughts and learn to trust what you see and feel. 
    • You will resolve conflicts swiftly and professionally. 
  • You will have peace of mind. 

A key tenet to Leadership Mastery is knowing that whatever gets created out there is the direct result of something I’ve done or failed to do, it’s not somebody else’s fault.  I create my own reality.  

Speaking what’s true for me, without blame, restores connection and invites others to do the same.

__________________

Since We are Talking About Emotional Intelligence, Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz…

If you want to find out about your own EQ skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now.

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

 

What’s Love (or Envy, Resentment or Insecurity) Got To Do With It?

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Until very recently, the business world has considered emotion to be something to be left outside of work. Unless you were trying to pluck someone’s heartstrings to accomplish a business goal (think marketers and sales professionals trying to hit a pain point or induce a sense of “gotta have it” urgency), you were expected to put your emotions away from 9 to 5, thank you very much.

But people aren’t machines. Emotions are intertwined with who we are as a species, and they drive every aspect of our behavior.

Think about a project you’ve worked on recently that you loved. You felt confident in your skills, you could see how it would help move your company forward, and you enjoyed the team you worked with. You kept the project moving along and made sure bottlenecks were resolved quickly so everything could wrap up on schedule.

Your emotions about the project, the people and even yourself were positive. Those emotions inspired your actions – and produced great results.

Now think back to a project that you didn’t feel so great about. Maybe you didn’t understand how it aligned with your organization’s goals. Maybe you didn’t believe it would work or that you were the right person for the project. Maybe you disliked some of the people on your team. Whatever it was, your emotions about the project were decidedly negative…

And your results reflected it.

  • Maybe you procrastinated on your contributions or on responding to requests from team members.
  • Maybe you withheld good ideas or were overly harsh in your criticism.
  • Maybe you bickered with your team members
  • or you let the project die a slow death.

Once again, your emotions drove your behavior… just like they are driving the behavior of every single person in your organization.

Most people are unaware of how their emotions influence their behavior – and even less aware that they have a choice in how they behave. Rather than choosing a response, they react blindly – and then the people around them react to their reactions. It becomes a chain reaction of typically negative behaviors. The resulting conflict and drama hamper productivity, prevent your team from achieving its goals, and create a toxic culture.

So what’s a CEO or business leader to do?

Simple: Learn to lead with emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence boils down to the realization that “I have emotions – and so do you.”

Once you recognize your emotions, you get to choose how you manage them. Contemplate how you can show up more powerfully as you decide, set the tone and understand:

  1. Decide: Emotionally intelligent leaders have the ability to deliberately and strategically choose how they manage their emotions. Instead of indulging in an angry outburst, for example, you might instead notice that you were angry and get curious as to why. You might stop yourself in the middle of an angry outburst and apologize for your reaction. Or you might simply admit, “Hey, I’m feeling angry so let’s take a little time out.”
  2. Tone: As the leader, you set the tone for your team – and perhaps for your entire organization. When you’re able to acknowledge your emotions and choose your reactions, you lead with authenticity, which inspires those around you to be more authentic, too. You also model the type of emotionally intelligent behavior that you want to see in your organization. This creates space that feels safer and more secure for your team to show up authentically.
  3. Understand: We all have emotions. But we have varying levels of emotional intelligence. Some people are able to easily manage their emotions, understand the emotional states of others and then respond accordingly. Others have to work harder to get in touch with their emotions and choose their responses after a lifetime of trying to ignore and stuff down how they feel.

The good news is that emotional intelligence is something you can cultivate. It just takes awareness and practice.

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

Practice the Platinum Rule

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While guesting with the fabulous Frankie Picasso on her Mission Unstoppable Podcast recently, we got to talking about what kind of behavior impacts engagement. She reminded me of the Platinum Rule.

Now, you might be thinking…I know about the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) and, although it may have emanated first from a holy book, it’s as universal as having a nose. But, what about the Platinum Rule?

When I am facilitating the Leadership Mastery series, I teach about this all of the time and, frankly, I had forgotten there was actually a rule about it. Happy for the reminder, I’m here to remind YOU.

The Platinum Rule is simply, “Treat others as THEY want to be treated”. This seemingly simple rule, kept or broken, can significantly impact engagement – so long as you are using it correctly.

Let’s dig in.

The Golden Rule is actually a problem we create in the workplace (or the world) without even knowing it. When we treat others as we would want to be treated, we have taken the focus off of the other and bounced it back to ourselves. We are saying, “Let me show you how I would prefer you do it in order to PLEASE ME”. The rule is a good start in terms of respect and regard but it stops short of what is needed today for connection and recognition.

The Platinum Rule is all about connection. You cannot execute this rule unless you truly know what the other person requires, what they like, what makes them tick. A risk, wafting off of the previous rule, is to make assumptions about what we think the other person wants. Can’t you see how that is still all about YOU?

The correct way to do this is to — wait for it—- here it comes—- ASK! Ask your employee, your co-worker, your boss, your wife. Ask what they prefer and what they want. And then, step two, LISTEN. Finally step three, take ACTION.

There is a positive outcome for executing this rule. Engagement, discretionary effort, good work attitude and enhanced communication are all positive effects of practicing this way of customizing personal communication.

Here is one example:

A large company I was working with questioned the effectiveness of the performance review process. This process, in it’s standard iteration, is all about MY assessment of YOU. In light of what we are talking about, can you see that would be problematic?

The team took a full year to create and perfect a new kind of review, the Talent Conversation, that shifted the conversation from assessment to inquiry. This “review” had a little more “preview” in it and perhaps there was still a bit of assessment but, the assessment was initiated from the employee. More important, the conversation focused on what the employee wanted to learn, perfect, grow and clearly articulated what success looked like from the company’s point of view. The process changed from the traditional look at lag measures (what has happened in the past) with a greater focus on lead measures (what can be created in the future). Most important, it was a robust conversation, creating connection and consideration of what kind of plan and ongoing interaction would support the employee for the growth they envisioned and desired. It also gave the manager personalized insight into what would support or diminish engagement. It busted assumptions and created data.

  • In this particular organization, the rate of internal promotions doubled. They are tracking for even more in 2018 as the organization is focused on where people want to grow and why they want to grow there.

You don’t have to re-do your performance management system to create this. You simply need to be willing to suspend your agenda and have a conversation with true intent to understand what the other person wants. Not everybody is motivated by the same thing. You can’t always give everyone everything that they want…but you can find out what makes people tick, what motivates them.

Maybe you want to start with one-on-ones with your employees. Good rule of thumb is to ask the associate to prepare the agenda and then let them talk 80% of the time. Scan yourself and you will likely see that you are doing most of the talking. How can you hear what is needed if you are doing all of the talking?

Or maybe you can start with rewards and recognition and kick the standardized, one-size-fits-all program to the curb in favor of fun and different ways of celebrating.

Wherever you start, begin with the OTHER in mind. Humans are complex and wonderful creatures and your natural sense of curiosity can really be satisfied when you practice the three steps of the Platinum Rule:

  1. Ask
  2. Listen
  3. Then, and only then, take customized action.

Stay Inspired!

 

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

Who is Your Leadership Lifeline

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I liked Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It was exciting, surprising and nerve-wracking to witness who would roll the dice, what they knew and when they needed help. One of my favorite concepts was the “lifeline”. When stuck, the player could cast a lifeline to someone in their life who they felt could offer the BEST support in this situation.

Who is your leadership lifeline?
This is a special kind of friend or colleague who will not argue for your limitations. Rather, they will call you to a higher place of wisdom and action. They will not let you sit in a victim mentality for long. Instead, they will help you find your contribution and your creative way to solving your issue. They will not rescue you or pity you. What they WILL do is compassionately hold space or wisely ask the right questions to get you moving again.

How many times do we get triggered by a person, place or thing (think your politically-opposite relative at the last family gathering)? Human nature says to sit in the trigger, justify the feelings, judge the other and be righteous in our own mis-guided feelings. When we are unconscious, we will seek out those friends and colleagues who will agree with us, help us justify our position, pat our heads, sit in judgement with us and help us stay stuck in our righteousness. OK, be real…you know you have either done this or been THAT person.

The person who is Your Lifeline won’t play the justification game with you. That’s why they may be the THIRD OR FOURTH person you reach out to. You reach out when you are tired of feeling like a victim or if you are on to yourself and really want to win this game of Leadership Mastery. If you are lucky or committed to practicing your EQ on a daily basis, perhaps they are the first call you will make. You see the worm-hole you are about to descend into and need that extra boost to stay the leadership course. Thank heaven for the lifeline friends!

What about you? Are you willing to be a Lifeline for the people in your life.

Lifeline Tips:

  • You are neutral and don’t take on the other person’s issue or point of view.
  • You stay open to their experience without judgment of the feelings they are having.
  • You neither agree nor disagree with their point of view.
  • You hold an intention that they are greater and more powerful than the trigger they are currently experiencing. You hold that intention STRONGLY.
  • You ask great open-ended questions that help them to make leadership decisions.
  • When appropriate, you offer wisdom or feedback directly and without leading them to your own agenda.
  • You never take credit for the outcome, remembering you are a vehicle – a lifeline – for them to create their own powerful outcomes.

Being a Lifeline for another leader requires a high level of Emotional Intelligence.

  • You are willing to acknowledge that you and the other person have feelings and judging those feelings is not useful.
  • You accept your own feeling and triggers and learn to manage them well, knowing in that action you become a beacon of hope for others still navigating these tricky waters.
  • You are committed to practicing key skills of listening, inquiry, feedback and finding an internal neutral place so that, overtime, you are not only a Lifeline, you are a JEDI-MASTER Lifeline.

There is no greater honor than to be asked to support another person’s emotional growth. The key to mutual success is to know how to and BE an Emotionally Intelligent Leader.

Stay Inspired!

 

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

The Compassionate Termination

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Special Note to Readers of this Post:

This was originally published in 2017, as an excerpt from the anthology, Humans At Work. 

So much is different right now and the kinds of conversations we must have with our teams are heart-breaking. 

This was written for terminating people for performance issues.  Much of it still applies to lay-offs. 

What I can offer  to you right now is an encouragement to stay in your heart, have the tough conversation from a place of loving leadership, feel your emotions and have empathy for those on the receiving end.  Simple words, little explanation (what can you explain anyway?), and in a space of complete compassion. 

We will get through this and on the other side will be a new normal.  How you show up today for yourselves and your teams will prepare you for how you will show up better and in full leadership on the other side. 

Reach out if I can help you.  -MP

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Outside of public speaking, there is little that strikes fear into the hearts of managers more than having to terminate someone. Emotions, opinions, and judgments collide with a sincere desire to protect the company from adverse actions. Add to this any  disappointment that the relationship and work product have soured—and finally, heap on looking someone in the eye and saying, “Yes, I am firing you.”

You now have the perfect recipe for human disaster.

And that is why it is generally done poorly. We don’t know exactly what to say, how to protect the company, and in the middle of all of it are those messy human emotions.

But terminations don’t have to be this way. Terminations can be compassionate and dignified, and they can promote good will and self-esteem. They just need to be done a bit differently than you might imagine.

With some attention to emotional intelligence (EQ) and leadership, you have all the skills in your toolkit to create positive communication even in such trying circumstances. .

Why are terminations so difficult to do well?

People don’t want to cause friction. We are not wired to want to hurt people—and in fact, we are usually wired to want people to like us.

From a communication perspective, very few of us listen with the type of attention that might be required during a termination. We move swiftly toward expressing our point and then quickly move on.

Another reason terminations are so difficult to do well is just pure and unadulterated fear. What if I say the wrong thing and we get sued? What if the person has a strong reaction? What if they go postal on me? What if I’m just wrong? What if they cry? What if they spread rumors about me or the company?

What is a Compassionate Termination?

The compassionate termination is a respectful ending conversation between two individuals that discusses behavioral facts while honoring emotion.

Ten Principles of Compassionate Termination

Obstacles and opportunities are first created in the mind. Therefore, these ten principles address both mindset and mindful action. The first and overarching basic principle is that we are human beings doing the best we can with the information and situation at hand. When we know more and practice more, we do better. Consider the following principles as guidelines for more than just termination—indeed, they are guidelines for any emotionally-based conversation.

1. Be Present

How you show up will set the tone for the conversation. Become aware of, and clear up, any strong emotions you might have. You cannot predict the future, and the past is already complete. Show up now.

2. Check Assumptions and Judgment

You are human, so you have them. Being aware of them and neutralizing them allows you to be fair and in control of your own emotional response. The person you are terminating will feel this and his emotions will likely stabilize.

3. The Golden Rule

Simply put, treat people as you would like to be treated. If the shoe were on the other foot, what type of conversation would you want to have? How would you prefer to exit? What emotions might you be feeling that would need honoring?

4. Hold a Safe Place for Strong Reactions

Those who are being terminated will likely experience strong emotions, reactions, and defenses. Your job is to create a safe space for emotional expression – after all, you’ve already done your emotional work around this.

5. Don’t Play the Blame Game

The blame game never works. Your employee is likely to point fingers back at other colleagues, the company, or you. Stay in a neutral place. Redirect the conversation back to supporting him and looking toward the future.

6. Support the Terminated Employee’s Future

Speaking of futures, all compassionate terminations bear in mind that the person being terminated still has one. When the blame has subsided and the bargaining has completed, the person needs to leave the conversation with some hope for their future. In any way that you can, find something to appreciate about the person and offer hope for the next outcome. There is nothing more devastating than beginning a job search with shattered self-confidence.

7. Do What You Say You’re Going to Do

Think out and clearly communicate what you or the company is prepared to do for the individual. Write it out so that the communication is crystal-clear and then do it. Trust can be built and protected on the way out, too.

8. Balancing Act – Protect the Company, Honor the Individual

Be careful of over-offering information or opinions, but balance that protection of the company with appropriate appreciation for the human being.

9. Have You Done Your Job?

Is the employee surprised? Truly surprised? If so, then you have not done your job.

10. Don’t Act Abruptly; Don’t Wait Too Long

Timing is everything. If you wait too long, the conversation may become harsher. Additionally, your employee may have been feeling unsuccessful for too long already. But conversely, if you jump on an issue too soon, it’s perceived as micromanagement. Do your investigation, conduct your coaching and course-correcting, and keep open and honest communication. You will know when it’s time.

Some Final Thoughts

How many times have you heard a friend or family member express that their termination was, in hindsight, one of the best things that had happened to them?  Your compassion might help someone see that this really is the best decision, as painful as it feels in this moment.

Your thoughtful leadership will set the pace for thoughtful human interaction at every phase of the employee life cycle. But this is never more needed than at the end of someone’s employment. Your EQ will pay off in great dividends.

At the very core of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to understand that both employee and employer have feelings, and can manage those feelings. Leveraging a whole lot of EQ to customize an appropriate communication, rooted in dignity and respect, that discusses performance and outcomes rather than personality—that’s the winning ticket.

Nothing lasts forever – nothing. Learning to let go—and support others to do the same—lies at the heart of compassionate terminations.

Stay Inspired!

 

 

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

Emotional Intelligence – The Soft Skills?

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Emotional Intelligence – The Soft Skills? 

eq heart and muscle

I chuckle whenever I hear Emotional Intelligence referred to as “Soft Skills”.  There is nothing soft about it.  To acquire high level leadership skills, to master emotions, to develop relationships, to deal with humanity – these are some of the hardest skills to acquire, practice and master.  Interestingly enough, they are also some of the most requested skills by employees in the workforce today.  Great leaders recognize this and are readying their training and coaching to provide these skills.

EQ demands a re-wiring of much of what we have believed about command and control.  It requires that we clean our personal filters of outdated beliefs, habits and paradigms and experience personal transformation.  Our businesses, our lives, our world expects this and needs this now.  Are you ready?

What Is Emotional Intelligence (EQ)? 

Let’s look at the basic premise of EQ.  This matrix was inspired by the work of Daniel Goleman, a pioneer in the EQ movement.  The left side of the matrix is about YOU – You have emotions (top) and, to be effective, you must manage those emotions (bottom).  On the right side, those effective with EQ also recognize that others have emotions (top) and because of that, have some great clues how to manage the relationship or environment (bottom).

EQ defined 2

Human-beings are tricky.  What ought to be clear cut and replete with common sense, becomes murky and complicated.

Beware of Reaction 

Have you ever looked back and realized that you had spent an inordinate amount of energy justifying an emotion (usually negative)?  Think of the last time someone hurt you or disappointed you?  How much time did you spend in finger pointing and blaming?  Self-control goes out the window and responsiveness becomes reaction; optimism morphs into resistance.  In such a frame of mind, how could you possibly even try to understand where the other person is coming from, much less inspire the environment or promote collaboration?

On the other side, remember a time when you were more than a little mixed up in care-taking the feelings of another person?  Compassion turns to empathy which turns to enabling.  There is no managing the relationship or the environment because you have taken your eye off the bigger picture  to hone in on one person’s suffering.

In our Leadership Mastery Training and Coaching, we spend a lot of time unwinding the drama triangle to find out how we get stuck in these patterns; stuck in the glue of being human.  No wonder that concept alone becomes a leadership game changer.

Emotional Intelligence asks us to take a step back and take some deep breaths and understand that everyone is wired to have emotions. Emotions may pop up from anywhere; from any stimulus; from any trigger. The skill we are building is to see them, get to a neutral set point and make some choices about how we want to respond. This take practice and a lot of unwinding of old patterns and mindsets.

I believe EQ is the mindset miracle, leading to joy and satisfaction in our relationships and with ourselves.

How EQ-ready are you?  Here’s a 6-point path of transformation.

  1. I acknowledge I have emotions and sometimes I use them well and other times, not so well.
  2. I understand what triggers me and can physically and mentally realize I am triggered.
  3. I get that I have the wherewithal to choose how I express my emotions.
  4. I have compassion for you and the emotions you are feeling.
  5. I can get to a neutral set-point and coach myself and you into response, rather than reaction.
  6. I commit to the relationship, the organization or the culture and hold the view that we are better together when we are truly transparent about what is going on.

The only way to EQ readiness is to practice.  Be prepared to make some mistakes and use them as muscle building.  Your mastery of Emotional Intelligence makes you a unique and valued leader, creating emotional safety for those around you.  With emotional safety comes the desire to risk, be bold, be honest and achieve outstanding results.

world heart

Take the EQ Quiz:

If you want to find out about your own EQ skills, I’ve created a quiz for you.  Just click here to go to the What Is Your EQ Leadership assessment.  A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now.

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

The Gift of Appreciation

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“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.”  – Mother Teresa

Appreciation is the bread of life.  It’s the sustenance that creates growth, humanity, connection and joy.  Appreciation creates emotional safety and connection.  It is the fuel that creates trust, commitment and willingness to engage.

We’ve not spent a lot of time building the appreciation muscle.  Usually focused on a problem that needs to be solved or a goal to be met, our heads get stuck in the sand of tasks and we neglect to check in with our hearts.  The result – people feel more and more disengaged, unacknowledged.  The impact on self-motivation and team behavior shows up in the latest Gallup Poll findings that less than 30% of workers feel engaged.

Why don’t we?girl-friends-1571908-639x852

    1. Oddly misplaced perception of power

 

    1. It makes one vulnerable

 

    1. Fear of appearing insincere

 

    1. We think no news is good news

 

    1. We are oblivious

 

    1. We believe emotions don’t belong in the workplace

 

  1. High driving leaders are more focused on the finish line than the participants

Sincere expression of appreciation is needed now more than ever.  Fast-paced, results-driven, technologically-motivated workforces can become de-humanized.  Appreciation restores the human connection.  People need people.  Connected people who feel appreciated and involved create good outcomes. The world needs your appreciation – right now. We’ve got some work to do on this planet and it won’t happen quite so easily without appreciation.

Create an Environment of Appreciation with 10 Simple Steps:

    1. Make it Personal  

       

       

      • Find out what you appreciate about yourself.  Keep a gratitude journal.

 

    1. Write it out  

       

       

      • Send written appreciation cards on a regular, disciplined basis.

 

    1. Count your blessings 

       

       

      • Then re-count them to the person who helped create them.

 

    1. Practice forgiveness 

       

       

      • Everybody benefits from a bit of slack, including you.

 

    1. Acknowledge the little details 

       

       

      • What’s that little extra you can offer? what’s that little extra that you are noticing.

 

    1. Make a choice

       

       

      • You are in charge of your feelings and your thoughts and your actions.  Be the leader in your own life by choosing. Choose gratitude and appreciation.

 

    1. Drip method  

       

       

      • Make expressing your appreciation a daily practice.

 

    1. Show a Little Emotion  

       

       

      • Let others know how their actions or being-ness impact you.

 

    1. Expect nothing in return 

       

       

      • The good feeling is its own reward.

 

  1. Don’t Delay  

     

     

    • You may think you have all the time in the world, but you don’t.  Let the people you care about know how much you appreciate them.  Today.

When my teams go through their 6 months of leadership training, we end our series with expressions of appreciation.  I am privileged to witness the transformation that happens when the person receives it and how it is magnified as the group offers it.  It’s life-changing.

Regular expressions of appreciation become a way of being.  It’s part of your own leadership integrity.  And don’t forget about karma.  Even expecting nothing in return, you must know by now that what you give out returns to you abundantly.  

Here’s a little magic from our old friend, Wayne Dyer:

“Give yourself a gift of five minutes of contemplation in awe of everything you see around you. Go outside and turn your attention to the many miracles around you. This five-minute-a-day regimen of appreciation and gratitude will help you to focus your life in awe.”

Spend the day in appreciation and see what magic you create.

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

Creating an Emotionally Intelligent Plan for Employee Engagement from the Get-Go

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Everything begins with the brain.  The brain engaged with the heart is a powerful thing.  The heart/brain can sometimes get disengaged with stress or the need for an immediate outcome.  You rely on your past experience or future-forgiveness to get through.  Without a conscious commitment to your mind-set, what every part of our brain is telling you, you can make mistakes in the name of expediency.

This is true, and sometimes harmful, when it comes to creating engagement in the employee life cycle.

How goes your hiring?  Is it time to tune up your processes?  Maybe you are attracting the so-so rather than the go-go?  Does the idea that Jim Collin’s espouses in Good to Great, “First Who Then What”, seem frivolous in the heat of battle?

When in the heat of expansion, or pressed to the wall because of staffing issues, the brain goes to survival mode and you may be tempted to place anybody in a position just to have some relief.  The stress may lead to the decision to short-shrift on training.  Fear of losing a body leads to non-direct performance feedback.  Frustration leads to termination.  The cycle begins again.  Sound familiar?  You are not alone.

One simple Brain Hijack around your hiring decision or your feedback communication could breed disaster for the engagement of your overall team.

So, let’s start with your brain and take a loop around the Employment Cycle – from hiring to firing – and see if you can be persuaded to hire and nurture the WHO for your company.

lifecycle

Pre-Employment:

What your stress is telling you:  Get a Body

Mindset Re-Frame:  “With crystal clear vision, I know the characteristics and skills required and I am willing to wait for the right person.  I have a simple hiring strategy which includes probing for the cultural and behavioral characteristics that best fit my company.  I am willing to suffer my discomfort to respectfully ask the tough questions from the start.”

Orientation to On the Job Training:

What your expedience is telling you:  We’ll figure it out as we go along

Mindset Re-Frame:  “Do we know, together, what success looks like?  My job is not complete until you have the resources that you need.  I believe in you.  I’ve created this training outline which will allow you to see the path and what success outcomes look like.  I feel confident that I can factually and neutrally point you in the right direction.”

First Corrective Performance Feedback:

What your concern is telling you:  This employee is doing it wrong

Mindset Re-Frame:  “There is no shame or blame, simply course correction.  I’m probably feeling a little frustrated because I wanted your performance to be effortlessly great.  I own my frustration and can put it to the side to communicate the facts and the path.  Now, let’s look at what success looks like together.”

Coaching, Counseling and Discipline:

What your frustration is telling you:  I’m going to write you up

Mindset Re-Frame:  “Maybe I’ll need to formally document the discipline, but I have to have the conversation first.  In seeking to understand, maybe I get some different information about a resolution.  I owe it to you to share judgment free honesty about the impact and consequences of the behavior.  I hold you as powerful enough to create and agree to an action plan for change.”

Conclude Employment:

What your shame/blame is telling you:  I made a bad choice

Mindset Re-Frame:  “This position or place of employment is not a fit for all.  I don’t need to blame or shame.  With respect, I set you free to find the perfect job fit for you.  I now have an opportunity to start at the beginning and make sure that my hiring plan is in good shape to find a great fit.”

Let’s sum up:

  • You have to hire great people who fit your culture.  Avoid the warm body syndrome.
  • You have to train them according to a plan.  Everybody needs to know where they are going and why.
  • You have to be willing to course-correct performance as it is occurring and do so with fact and respect.
  • You have to coach and counsel with your own discipline, allowing the other person to create the change – or not.
  • You have to be willing to release and terminate those who demonstrate behavior that doesn’t work for your company.

And you have to be willing to do all of these things with a brain connected to your heart.

The logical plan combined with empathy creates safety for your employees.  Emotionally safe, yet inspired employees deliver the highest level of engagement.  Create engagement at every opportunity by getting on to your mindset and being willing to shift and change what’s not working for you.

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

 

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