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The Distraction of Unresolved Workplace Emotions

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“This whole thing could take the entire company down.”  

My more-than-frustrated colleague was concerned about the distraction from one of his business teams – and understandably so.  A stand-off between two managers, based on their individual perceptions who and what was right or wrong – had elevated to theater.  More pointedly, it was theater of the absurd, replete with triangles, gossip, finger-pointing and withholding of information.  It, like any natural disaster, had captured the attention of most and was an undercurrent of noise for the others. 

Has this ever happened to you?  Of course it has.  Whether it was a middle school mean girl thing, a high-school clique or a workplace drama, when humans meet up with humans and forget to access their emotional intelligence, any conflict can escalate quickly. It then takes two different turns – either it is blatant and easy to see (therefore easier to deal with, when you choose to) or it goes underground and becomes a constant nagging and uneasy feeling of something not quite right and impacting your emotional safety. 

Such was the case here.  No need to drag out the gory details – it generally ends with good people leaving.  One of the dueling managers leaves, and hopefully not after the fight to the death derails the entire organization.  This is followed by the inevitable rebuilding – all at a cost to productivity, profit and purpose. 

What’s a business leader to do? 

It’s important to pull this unnecessary drama out by its roots before it takes over the entire garden of your business.  My colleague successfully navigated the situation by taking thoughtful action.  Here is a checklist that will be useful for you the next time you find yourself embroiled in a similar situation: 

  1. Be in the people aspect of your business enough to see the warning signs. 
  2. The minute you see dysfunction, you need not rush in to fix it – however, it must be made clear to the conflicted parties that the expectation is to work it out, remembering that their teams are watching.
  3. Consider a facilitated airing out meeting – a good HR person could facilitate, you could do it, or bring in a coach.  Get everything out on the table – all the hard stuff.  Be prepared to stay in that meeting until there is nothing left to be said and you have arrived at a neutral space.
  4. From the airing out, make agreements about how everyone will behave and what the consequences are for breaking the new behavior agreements. 
  5. Monitor – consider skip level meetings to keep a pulse.  This is not spying or micro-managing, rather a relationship-booster. 
  6. Do a periodic check in with both individuals.  Behavior needs to be learned over time for lasting change.  Do not hesitate to bring undesirable behavior or communication choices to the table for resolution.
  7. Check in with key clients for a progress and satisfaction check.  That check-in could yield invaluable information about what is internally happening.  Customer service comes from the heart of your company, after all. 
  8. Consider leadership and emotional intelligence development for the entire team. This creates team accountability and is amazing with what it yields for your organization.
  9. Short-term coaching may be required – for you to best deal with the issue or for your managers to acquire empathy, collaboration and communication skills. 
  10. If all else fails, make a choice.  Who stays and who goes?  Unresolved and escalated conflict is too big of a price to pay and has huge negative impact. If your managers cannot get to a neutral cooperative space with each other, reassign or terminate one.  Sounds harsh?  Consider the other 50 to 100 families you are responsible for in the form of your employees. 

When you get to resolution, you can still expect to feel uneasy and untrusting.  Know that this is normal.  Your job is to be active in your expectations of trust-building within the organization.  Your job is to have a balanced view of the two steps forward and one back of new behavior.  Your job is to clearly state your expectations, inspect them and be lovingly relentless in your feedback and acknowledgment. 

Sometime after all the dust has settled, take a few hours and jot down the key learnings and insight.  Encourage your formerly entangled managers to do the same.  Some of our best learning comes from leaning into and pushing through the conflict.  What you learn you can retain.  What you retain can keep you out of the drama. 

Transformation is a Leap of Faith

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Leaders Inspired is in the business of supporting leadership transformation for individuals and their teams. 

Transformation is a big concept. The dictionary defines it as a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance.  Someone who aspires to be a leader who inspires others, will go through many transformations.  As a mindset shifts, as a paradigm falls away or as a new skill is mastered, there is a dramatic change in form (thought and action) and appearance (how new leaders show up in the world).  It is possible and it is likely that when you begin to intentionally develop your leadership abilities, you will be dramatically different on the other side of your journey.

Transformation is not easy as it requires you to stretch beyond where you are right now.  Human beings like to be comfortable and often sit in the same mess, rooted inside comfort zones, for years and years, convinced that they are satisfied until that one day…

One day you wake up and have the thought, “my world is pretty small”.  You feel the stagnation.  You begin to yearn for a challenge.  You feel frustrated with your current circumstance. Or you may be just plain old bored.

This is a danger zone and you have a choice – you can choose to create a a leadership path or a drama path. Without clarity, emotional intelligence and self-awareness, you could act out on the frustration.  You could pick a fight or create a drama simply to feel something again. Adrenaline is a heady substitute for energy and movement. 

Or you could commit to another kind of movement – your transformation.  The transformational journey begins with a single step of changing your circumstance or challenging your thought process, beliefs or behaviors.  One single act of listening to create connection or one great question that gets you out of a victim cycle is a huge leap forward.  And not just for you.  As a leader, others are also watching you. You make it possible for others to believe they can do something different, too.

You may still be assailed with mindset chatter.  “You can’t.”  “It’s impossible.”  “Who do you think you are?”  These are the voices of safety.  They want to keep you safe inside what is already known.  They are not in favor of any kind of leaps at all, except a giant leap back inside the comfort zone.

Being human is about growing and stretching and moving beyond the boundaries.  You can go there kicking and screaming, or you can embrace the growth and move at whatever pace is appropriate for you.  Some are comfortable leaping off the mountain without a net and others want to climb the mountain step by easy step, using the braces and stabilizing poles and special boots.

Whatever way you navigate the change of transformation and growth, the only thing that remains is the fact that to be a human being is to be a human growing.  If we are not growing, we are stagnant and small.  The more stagnation, the greater the opportunity for dysfunctional thinking and behavior, poor relations with others and a blockage of any connection you may have to greater wisdom.

Transformation is a leap of faith. To commit to being “dramatically changed in form” takes courage.  Where do you need to take a leap of faith?  Where do you need to turn impossible to possible? Where do you need to trust the growth, knowing that inspired action is going to lead you someplace magnificent?

Take the first step.  Transformation, expansion and growth are your birthright.

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One of the aspects of transformation is self awareness. At the base of transformation is self awareness intertwined with emotional intelligence. If you are curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you.  Click Here  to go to the What’s Your Leadership EQ quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

People, Profit or Process?

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People, profit or process?  To decide one over the other is a lot like the question of which came first – the chicken or the egg.  What does come first?  A focus on people, clear business goals that result in profit or process to execute the strategy?  Maybe there is no real “first” in this scenario, rather a need for the harmony of all three. 

When you make a choice for one over the other, you may be creating an imbalance that will ultimately affect the health of your business. 

Too much focus on people, forsaking the other two, may create an organization with fuzzy edges.  There are good feelings, great congeniality but at the risk of meaningful results. The boomerang is often a clamp down.  Forget Thirsty Thursday, ditch the ping-pong table and let’s get back to write ups. 

Too much focus on profit and goals may cause managers to make shortcuts with the people and lose the heart and engagement in the business. The boomerang on this is that the company loses full focus and top salaries often get inflated and performance bonuses can be gamed.  Trust is destroyed. 

A myopic focus on process may bog an organization down with minute attention to the screws and widgets, removing the eye from the business vision and the people executing on the vision.  Boomerang is that logic rules, analysis is king resulting in diminished risk-taking, constructive conflict or innovation. 

We need all three P’s. 

People enjoying joyful, crisp, engaged execution in a favorable environment where people feel welcome and content.  Because people are valued, coached and know what is expected, there is a willingness to participate in the process and celebrate the profit/goals. 

Profit begs the question, “why are you in business if you are not making money?”.  Profit is the result of a sound business strategy, stewardship of resources, clear execution that considers that people need to deliver on the strategy and use processes to do so.  Willing people executing the business according to the rules of engagement – sweet! 

Process is the necessary glue that moves people into meaningful action to deliver profitable results.  When you can define your core processes and your operational processes, you create the safety of the “how-to”.  People who feel that stability are better able to be trained and more willing to achieve expectations with accountability. 

What’s A Leader to Do? 

  • Make sure that you are transparent as to your business goals and financial targets.  Yes, even profit targets.   
  • Develop processes alongside your team (that’s what they’ve been doing in the Lean movement for years) and provide the necessary training.   
  • Be clear in your expectations with your people and then offer them coaching, direction and encouragement to achieve their results.   
  • Of course, all along the way you will be living as a true leader, providing guidance, inspiration, feedback and direction.  You will be listening and paying attention and then making your tweaks to all three P’s along the way. 

This happy blend of the three P’s, when paid attention to, delivers great results for all sizes and kinds of businesses. 

Enjoy the balance and the benefits of honoring people, processes and profits! 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here  to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

Whole Hearted Listening

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You think you are a good listener.  You mostly are not.

All kinds of human things get in the way of listening in a whole-hearted way.  They could be perceptions of time, your need to reply, a desire to fix the situation, disinterest, or any other array of human conditions that thwart your willingness and even your ability to listen fully.

Although we at Leaders Inspired have written quite a bit about listening, the topic can’t be visited enough.  It is the key skill to emotionally intelligent leadership.

Whole-Hearted Listening up-levels the conversation.  Whole-Hearted Listening is a body, mind and heart thing. 

Listen with Your Body – Be involved physically.  As you settle into your body and ground yourself in the here and now, you will feel relaxed.  There is a greater willingness to really look at the other person, nod and make eye contact.  As an emotionally intelligent leader, you are also attuned to how your body responds to the stimuli and what you hear.  This physical presence creates safety for the conversation and gives you some additional information as you settle in to observe.

Listen with Your Mind – Permit your mind to quiet so that you can be present in the conversation.  When your mind is jumping around, you will miss the meat of the conversation.  Quit mentally rehearsing your reply.  Listen to make connections.  Use your intellect to create a mind map of what the person is truly saying to you.  Be mindful and smart enough to allow the person to come to their own conclusions

Listen with Your Heart – Be involved emotionally.  This is not about care-taking, rather about caring. Let your intuition guide your open-ended questions. Engaging your heart to be here now and no place else, quiets your mind and body so that you can be at ease offering heart to heart, respectful attention.  Empathize and have compassion but avoid the conversation take-over that often happens out of discomfort or the desire to fix.

Be easy about this.  Listening, like leadership is presence, not performance.  Witnessing and compassionate presence is what is required.  When you “try hard” to listen, resistance and effort is introduced.  Simply allowing yourself to listen is effortless and time stands still – for both parties. That kind of listening is deeply fulfilling.

In the signature program, Leadership Mastery™, basic skills of listening are taught and practiced.  Compare it to learning to lift weights. Both are mastered with repetition.  Silence, listening for themes, paraphrasing, asking open-ended questions, using a pause, non-verbal’s, and body language are all basic, practiced skills.

When working with the advanced students, a few up-leveling skills are added to the leadership toolbox resulting in a more advanced, whole-hearted way of listening better.  When you listen better, you lead better.  When you lead better, the team performs better.  Win. Win. Win.

Here are 5 tips for you to listen as a Whole-Hearted Leader:

  1. Encourage others to express issues and feelings
    • What you might say:  I want to know…; please tell me…; how did that feel?
      • This adds richness to the conversation as emotions create another level.  It also shows respect and caring.
  2. Clarify
    • What you might say:  Can you say more?  Did I hear you say…? 
      • Not only do you want to make sure you are tracking with the conversation, you may intuit that there is something left unsaid and the clarification may surface that.
  3. Restate/Label
    • What you might say:  It sounds like…; It appears that…
      • Loosely borrowed from author/negotiator, Chris Voss (Never Split the Difference), this allows you to do two things at once.  First you are able to restate the FACTS, as you understand them.  Second, this is an opportunity to check out your assumptions about what the other person is saying.
  4. Reflect Feelings
    • What you might say:  I can imagine how…; It seems like you were angry…; I can tell how frustrated you are.
      • This is a kissing cousin to restating/labeling and different from point one (which is a general stance of encouraging feelings and issues).  Here is the opportunity to be completely in the moment and reflect back the feelings that you are hearing and feeling from the other person.  You may be right or wrong, yet the offering of this reflection allows the other person to say yes or no and takes the conversation to a new place.
  5. Validate and Appreciate
    • What you might say:  I’m happy we talked; I’m glad we are trying to figure this out; I appreciate knowing about this
      • This is the maraschino cherry on top of the sundae.  This one closing of a conversation, delivered real time and with complete sincerity, buttons up the safety and sacredness of the listening and sharing that just occurred.  This is not about agreeing with what you just heard – you may or may not agree.  This is about honoring that people want to be acknowledged and appreciated.  Your time spent listening coupled with your validation creates expansion and – yes – love.

It takes courage to be a Whole-Hearted Listener.  Just as it takes courage to be in the spotlight of leadership.  Courage and vulnerability don’t need to be hard.  When body, mind and heart are part of the equation, you are supported.  Things can be easier, more grounded, intentional yet effortless. Bonus – you are more accessible to your people, you can connect in a masterful way and you get priceless information that strengthens the bond.

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

Who is Your Leadership Lifeline

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I liked Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It was exciting, surprising and nerve-wracking to witness who would roll the dice, what they knew and when they needed help. One of my favorite concepts was the “lifeline”. When stuck, the player could cast a lifeline to someone in their life who they felt could offer the BEST support in this situation.

Who is your leadership lifeline?
This is a special kind of friend or colleague who will not argue for your limitations. Rather, they will call you to a higher place of wisdom and action. They will not let you sit in a victim mentality for long. Instead, they will help you find your contribution and your creative way to solving your issue. They will not rescue you or pity you. What they WILL do is compassionately hold space or wisely ask the right questions to get you moving again.

How many times do we get triggered by a person, place or thing (think your politically-opposite relative at the last family gathering)? Human nature says to sit in the trigger, justify the feelings, judge the other and be righteous in our own mis-guided feelings. When we are unconscious, we will seek out those friends and colleagues who will agree with us, help us justify our position, pat our heads, sit in judgement with us and help us stay stuck in our righteousness. OK, be real…you know you have either done this or been THAT person.

The person who is Your Lifeline won’t play the justification game with you. That’s why they may be the THIRD OR FOURTH person you reach out to. You reach out when you are tired of feeling like a victim or if you are on to yourself and really want to win this game of Leadership Mastery. If you are lucky or committed to practicing your EQ on a daily basis, perhaps they are the first call you will make. You see the worm-hole you are about to descend into and need that extra boost to stay the leadership course. Thank heaven for the lifeline friends!

What about you? Are you willing to be a Lifeline for the people in your life.

Lifeline Tips:

  • You are neutral and don’t take on the other person’s issue or point of view.
  • You stay open to their experience without judgment of the feelings they are having.
  • You neither agree nor disagree with their point of view.
  • You hold an intention that they are greater and more powerful than the trigger they are currently experiencing. You hold that intention STRONGLY.
  • You ask great open-ended questions that help them to make leadership decisions.
  • When appropriate, you offer wisdom or feedback directly and without leading them to your own agenda.
  • You never take credit for the outcome, remembering you are a vehicle – a lifeline – for them to create their own powerful outcomes.

Being a Lifeline for another leader requires a high level of Emotional Intelligence.

  • You are willing to acknowledge that you and the other person have feelings and judging those feelings is not useful.
  • You accept your own feeling and triggers and learn to manage them well, knowing in that action you become a beacon of hope for others still navigating these tricky waters.
  • You are committed to practicing key skills of listening, inquiry, feedback and finding an internal neutral place so that, overtime, you are not only a Lifeline, you are a JEDI-MASTER Lifeline.

There is no greater honor than to be asked to support another person’s emotional growth. The key to mutual success is to know how to and BE an Emotionally Intelligent Leader.

Stay Inspired!

 

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

Be The Bridge of Communication

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You are a bridge.  As an emotionally intelligent leader, able to navigate emotions and needs, you provide a bridge to those who have diverse styles of communicating. You know how to meet people where they are. You are at one end of the bridge and at the other end of this very long bridge somebody needs to receive your message. If you deliver your message in the same way time and time again, you’re only going to meet a quarter of the population as three-quarters of the population receive information in a different manner than the way you’re communicating. The world needs your message, let’s make sure you are heard.

Communication is behavior and behavior is observable, situational, flexible, dynamic and based on your thoughts and beliefs. That means communication can change by your own conscious choice.

Think about the diversity of communication and its impact on how you do or don’t get along with certain people. If you were to make a list of people who were easy to be with and people who were difficult to be with, you would see that the people who are easy to be with are similar and those more difficult are different than you. Your styles are similar or different and when you don’t know how to shift your style to meet the need, hardship and pain are the result.

The Four Behavioral Styles

For the sake of simplicity, let’s morph all the many behavioral profile results and distill them down to four behavioral common styles.  You will be able to recognize yourself and others in your work and life as we discuss the four styles.

Pretend you’ve drawn a cross in the middle of the page.  At the top, you have outgoing and on the bottom reserved. You have someone task-oriented on the left side and you have someone people oriented on the right side. Which one is better?  None are better than the other, they simply are. They are ways that you are wired and show up, and all four parts of the matrix are absolutely needed and invaluable in running a business.

One style of communicator is the Driver. The driver is task-oriented and outgoing, they want to drive an agenda, they want to make things happen and they do it through tasks. They see the world as filled with problems that need to be resolved. They easily take risks and move rapidly.

A second style is the Seller. The seller is outgoing and enjoys being in the spotlight and being at the front of the class.  They are people oriented and want to lead a team that wins with people. They are very verbal and often charismatic. Relationships are important to them so they will accomplish their tasks through people.

The Analyzer is reserved and task-focused. They don’t need to nor do they want to be in the spotlight. They are too busy focused on getting a task accomplished by analyzing facts and data and historical information. They ask, “why?” and make certain that key corporate metrics are achieved correctly. They avoid conflict and look at the world from the prism of standards.

Our final style is the Team Player who is reserved, yet people-centric. They don’t necessarily want to be in the spotlight yet they’re also very people focused. They’re committed to making sure that the team wins together. Steady eddy types, they accomplish task with stability and harmony and don’t like change.

With that cursory description, can you guess who you are? Are you a driver? Are you a seller? Are you an analyzer or are you a team player? It doesn’t make any difference which of the many behavioral assessments you may have taken, you’re generally going to fall into one or two of these four styles

Pick Up the Clues and Customize

Now that you’ve seen all four of these folks, what does it mean for you? Take what you see about yourself and then pick up the clues on other’s behaviors and customize your leadership communication. Each guest, client and associate is unique and they all have a preferred method of communicating.  Without conscious thought, most selling or managing is based upon the behavioral style of the seller or the manager. If you truly are the bridge for communication, you will see that this is backward. Know thyself and adapt to serve the person on the other side of the bridge.

Conflicts in style can result in tension, discomfort and lost opportunities so adapting your approach to the needs of the others will improve your chances of collaboration and results, simple as that.

Put It into Action

To sum this up and make it actionable, follow these tips:

  • Recognize your responsibility to create the bridge so that your message is received.
  • Understand where you fit in the behavioral matrix and how you prefer to communicate.
  • Pick up the clues from those around you to determine their preferences.
  • Adjust your style to meet their needs
    • Bottom line for drivers
    • Create connection with sellers
    • Provide details and data to analyzers
    • Create a clear playing field for team players
  • Rinse and repeat until this all feels natural to you.

The Ideal Leadership Team

There is a distinct benefit of having all four styles on the team. The ideal leadership team is comprised of the driver who generates the ideas and insists on the results and the seller who will go out and promote the ideas and generate the enthusiasm and the team players who make certain that ideas are carried out and bring stability to the group and then finally the analyzers who make certain that key details are covered and that the project is done well. You need all four. There’s not one right and there’s not one wrong. Drivers, sellers, team players and analyzers, they complete the puzzle so you need to customize your style to their preferences. That creates your leadership choices of how you will communicate.

Emotional Intelligence is strengthened with practice and consciousness. The idea of communication diversity, creates an expanded playing field for the EQ leader and, in turn, creates a diverse customer service experience, stake-holder experience and employee experience. It pays dividends to customize your communication.

Stay Inspired!

 

 

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

The Compassionate Termination

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Outside of public speaking, there is little that strikes fear into the hearts of managers more than having to terminate someone. Emotions, opinions, and judgments collide with a sincere desire to protect the company from adverse actions. Add to this any  disappointment that the relationship and work product have soured—and finally, heap on looking someone in the eye and saying, “Yes, I am firing you.”

You now have the perfect recipe for human disaster.

And that is why it is generally done poorly. We don’t know exactly what to say, how to protect the company, and in the middle of all of it are those messy human emotions.

But terminations don’t have to be this way. Terminations can be compassionate and dignified, and they can promote good will and self-esteem. They just need to be done a bit differently than you might imagine.

With some attention to emotional intelligence (EQ) and leadership, you have all the skills in your toolkit to create positive communication even in such trying circumstances. .

Why are terminations so difficult to do well?

People don’t want to cause friction. We are not wired to want to hurt people—and in fact, we are usually wired to want people to like us.

From a communication perspective, very few of us listen with the type of attention that might be required during a termination. We move swiftly toward expressing our point and then quickly move on.

Another reason terminations are so difficult to do well is just pure and unadulterated fear. What if I say the wrong thing and we get sued? What if the person has a strong reaction? What if they go postal on me? What if I’m just wrong? What if they cry? What if they spread rumors about me or the company?

What is a Compassionate Termination?

The compassionate termination is a respectful ending conversation between two individuals that discusses behavioral facts while honoring emotion.

Ten Principles of Compassionate Termination

Obstacles and opportunities are first created in the mind. Therefore, these ten principles address both mindset and mindful action. The first and overarching basic principle is that we are human beings doing the best we can with the information and situation at hand. When we know more and practice more, we do better. Consider the following principles as guidelines for more than just termination—indeed, they are guidelines for any emotionally-based conversation.

1. Be Present

How you show up will set the tone for the conversation. Become aware of, and clear up, any strong emotions you might have. You cannot predict the future, and the past is already complete. Show up now.

2. Check Assumptions and Judgment

You are human, so you have them. Being aware of them and neutralizing them allows you to be fair and in control of your own emotional response. The person you are terminating will feel this and his emotions will likely stabilize.

3. The Golden Rule

Simply put, treat people as you would like to be treated. If the shoe were on the other foot, what type of conversation would you want to have? How would you prefer to exit? What emotions might you be feeling that would need honoring?

4. Hold a Safe Place for Strong Reactions

Those who are being terminated will likely experience strong emotions, reactions, and defenses. Your job is to create a safe space for emotional expression – after all, you’ve already done your emotional work around this.

5. Don’t Play the Blame Game

The blame game never works. Your employee is likely to point fingers back at other colleagues, the company, or you. Stay in a neutral place. Redirect the conversation back to supporting him and looking toward the future.

6. Support the Terminated Employee’s Future

Speaking of futures, all compassionate terminations bear in mind that the person being terminated still has one. When the blame has subsided and the bargaining has completed, the person needs to leave the conversation with some hope for their future. In any way that you can, find something to appreciate about the person and offer hope for the next outcome. There is nothing more devastating than beginning a job search with shattered self-confidence.

7. Do What You Say You’re Going to Do

Think out and clearly communicate what you or the company is prepared to do for the individual. Write it out so that the communication is crystal-clear and then do it. Trust can be built and protected on the way out, too.

8. Balancing Act – Protect the Company, Honor the Individual

Be careful of over-offering information or opinions, but balance that protection of the company with appropriate appreciation for the human being.

9. Have You Done Your Job?

Is the employee surprised? Truly surprised? If so, then you have not done your job.

10. Don’t Act Abruptly; Don’t Wait Too Long

Timing is everything. If you wait too long, the conversation may become harsher. Additionally, your employee may have been feeling unsuccessful for too long already. But conversely, if you jump on an issue too soon, it’s perceived as micromanagement. Do your investigation, conduct your coaching and course-correcting, and keep open and honest communication. You will know when it’s time.

Some Final Thoughts

How many times have you heard a friend or family member express that their termination was, in hindsight, one of the best things that had happened to them?  Your compassion might help someone see that this really is the best decision, as painful as it feels in this moment.

Your thoughtful leadership will set the pace for thoughtful human interaction at every phase of the employee life cycle. But this is never more needed than at the end of someone’s employment. Your EQ will pay off in great dividends.

At the very core of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to understand that both employee and employer have feelings, and can manage those feelings. Leveraging a whole lot of EQ to customize an appropriate communication, rooted in dignity and respect, that discusses performance and outcomes rather than personality—that’s the winning ticket.

Nothing lasts forever – nothing. Learning to let go—and support others to do the same—lies at the heart of compassionate terminations.

Stay Inspired!

 

 

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

Leader or Manager?

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“Bad leaders care about who is right.  Good leaders care about what is right.”
– Simon Sinek

Per the Gallup Organization, 75% of workers who leave jobs do so because of poor relationships with their boss (aka – manager).

Assumption. Everyone reading this is a manager of people, process or project. Even if you are a sole business owner, you’ll sit in the management function because you must run your business. Management is the job of running the business.

    • Needed?…

 

    • Yes. 

 

    • Coveted?…

 

  • Sometimes.

In our signature system, Leadership Mastery™, we always begin by sorting the behaviors and characteristics of managers and leaders to understand the distinction. Imagine a sheet of paper with a line drawn down the middle and on the left side is manager and the right side is leader, what goes in each category?

Manager versus Leader

Managers are responsible for executing and delivering the strategy either through people or process. Your list may include P&L’s, defining goals, hiring and firing, inventory and other executable tasks. You own the daily list; the monthly list; the annual list of things that move your business forward. This is needed in any kind of a business. From a sole entrepreneur to a fortune 500 company, there must be a management process in place.
The Leader board will be different. Here is where you will find inspiration, vision, listening, motivation, and coaching. These are all characteristics that define a quality of being.

There is a distinct difference. Managers are doing and Leaders are being. 

Do you have to be manager to be a leader? No.  A leader can bubble up from any strata of any part of any company. Think about a line level employee who, without title, has a group of people willing to follow their lead?

Positional Power

Here is the important question – have you ever been managed by a manager (maybe this was you) who did not have leadership qualities? This is the manager who has a title and has not yet developed the necessary skills or attitudes to lead, but rather uses positional power to maneuver.

The manager who has not been trained or encouraged to adopt leadership behaviors is trouble waiting to happen.  You might be feared and maybe respected, but never fully followed. When you top-down manage by relying on your title, your employees may never own their own power and never be fully accountable for their own outcomes.  Positional power kills engagement.

Versus Personal Power

A leader works from the inside out with personal power. A leader moves people into action with influence, understanding and managing emotions, empathy and clear communication. The result is that employees are led to their own outcomes, there is a greater likelihood of accountability and people are willing to function as a team.

Now imagine your management duties imbued with leadership qualities. The outcome is likely engagement, satisfaction and enhanced discretionary effort (results!).

The manager tells and the leader influences. Those who are told are taught to be dependent and those who are influenced are taught to think for themselves from a place of purpose.

What kind of business team would you like to manage?

Leadership Tip

If you are ready for a leadership upgrade, take stock of how you are showing up in your business. Make a list of the leadership qualities that are strong in you and those that are not.  From that list, choose an action to practice for the next few weeks to elevate your leadership ability.

Stay Inspired!

 

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

Commitment is a Verb

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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes… but no plans.” 

— Peter Drucker

A commitment is the fire that sits in the center of accountability.

How many times have you made an agreement with yourself – to lose weight?  To get the work project done on time?  To spend one afternoon to yourself?  Only to see time come and go without the outcome you have declared.

How many times have you made an agreement with someone else – a date, a deadline, a deal – only to fail to deliver?

Broken hearts, broken trust, shame and guilt are all heaped onto an experience of an unfulfilled life.

Why do people fail to make the commitments necessary to achieve their desired outcomes?

  • fear or avoidance of accountability
  • fear of conflict
  • worry about what the other may think of you
  • Making commitments unconsciously without considering the implications
  • Not really understanding exactly what was agreed to

You use words like TRY, COULD, SHOULD, MAYBE, I WISH rather than I WILL.  It is the I WILL that creates the commitment.  It pushes past the spoken word.

“Commitment is an act, not a word.”

— Jean-Paul Sartre

surfing-2-freeimages - Pete Smith

A commitment is a voluntary, purpose-led, willful movement into action.  Commitment requires action.  Commitment creates momentum.

The commitment takes into account what matters most and answers the question, “Can I count on you?”.

Unmet commitments, large or small lead to stalled execution, broken trust, sluggish momentum, missed opportunities, poor financial results.  Add to that what we are teaching others who are watching us, counting on us – the impact is our loss of integrity.  The only way out is to move into action.

“The only limit to your impact is your imagination and commitment.”

— Tony Robbins

A commitment will be successful when you clearly understand the request and the purpose (or why).  You will be able to take action if you have or can obtain the necessary resources. Considering the other priorities in your life and business, you will be able to make a conscious choice. Finally, a thorough inside look at your habitual behavior around keeping commitments will help you develop a mental plan to address any commitment bad habits.

If you ever get stuck, here is a simple 5 step model to move back into action:

Accountability Model:

  • What will you do?
  • By when will you do it?
  • How will you know you are successful?
  • How will I know you are doing it?
  • How can we celebrate progress, milestones and outcomes?

In the 6-part Leadership Mastery Workshop Series, students participate in an exercise called Broken Agreements with Self.  Identifying three very important goals or desires, they then chronicle all of the ways they have broken commitments with themselves which blocked the outcome they so desired.  It’s an eye opener. The amazing thing about this is that the very next workshop (usually a month later) the majority of the participants come back celebrating the committed actions they took to get closer to their outcomes.

They moved from unconscious to conscious.  They took one small purposeful step which created momentum.

What game changer are you willing to commit to today to create a higher level of personal leadership?  Write it down and take one small action at a time and feel the growing momentum.

Be conscious of what you are committing to.  Your word, your integrity and your self-esteem are on the line.

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

 

photo credit:  freeimages.com/PeteSmith

7 Tips To Be Feedback-Ready With Defensive People

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Here’s a good one from the client question vault:

How do you react to an individual who won’t accept or receive your feedback?

dreamstimefree_231971There is nothing more frustrating than a person who greets your well-intended feedback with defensiveness, rebuff or denial.

True feedback, offered in the spirit of improvement, is not easy to give – especially if you are a conscious leader. You need to be aware of your own opinions and judgments and you need to be willing to obtain all sides of a story or situation before proceeding. Even then, the person on the receiving end may discount what you are offering. The trick is to not take it personally and move into a neutral position as swiftly as possible.

You are offering the gift of feedback but you cannot make the other person open your gift. You can, however, take some steps that will make you more effective.

Here are 7 tips that will make you feedback-ready when dealing with defensive people:

1. With respect and compassion, acknowledge the fact that you perceive defensiveness from the other person and ask what would make it easier for them to receive feedback.

2. Check your opinion at the door and speak from fact and behavioral observation.

3. If the feedback is mission critical, make sure the other person understands the impact of the behavior or situation and the potential consequences if it is left unchanged.

4. Create emotional safety before launching into feedback by beginning the conversation with a personal connection, offering a positive opening, or simply acknowledging the fact that feedback is tough to give and to receive.

5. Be aware of your own emotional triggers or personal biases that might affect how you offer feedback.

6. Work with your own discomfort about offering feedback. The other person will pick up on your discomfort, not feel safe in the conversation and the result may be defensiveness.

7. If you keep banging your head against the same wall expecting different results, don’t offer the feedback unless point three above is applicable.

The only way to offer great feedback is to practice. In practice a person makes mistakes. Use these “errors” as course corrections to improve. With your continued improvement over time, even the most defensive of people will be more open to your feedback.

Mary Pat Knight, CEO of Leaders Inspired, is a Transformation Strategist, Speaker, Facilitator, and Coach committed to leadership and emotional intelligence in the workplace. She is known for cutting through corporate drama to create laser focus for powerful business and personal results for her clients. 

I’d love to meet you on Twitter or Facebook 

Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz… 

Curious about your Emotional Intelligence skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now. 

 

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