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What are You Permitting By Your Failure to Address It?

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What you tolerate, you permit.  What you judge, gets repeated. 

Humans tend to show up in extremes – either you are turning a blind eye, or you are super critical to the nth degree. With this in mind, you are constantly in a ping pong game of permitting things that you don’t really want or judging things that don’t please you. When you do have any energy to make a change? 

Consider any area of your life – a messy coat closet in your home, for example.  How many times do you open that closet door to retrieve something and never notice the mess?  Or the other occasions when you open the door and begin judging your family (or yourself!) for being lazy, messy, rude…..  At the end of the day, the closet will stay messy and you will use up all of your mental energy in permitting or judging. 

The antidote is setting appropriate expectations and boundaries – and all with the magic, secret weapon of managing your emotions. 

Tall order?  I’m always encouraging my clients and students to find the neutral place – get neutral.  That is the place where you’re even, observing and assessing – not judging or reacting. 

Why is this important as we look at expectations and boundaries versus tolerations and judgement?  You have to have a clear head to see what is really going on and you have to be in a forgiving, neutral place to break the pattern.  

Let’s go back to tolerations and judgments and look at the mechanics: 

Turning a blind eye happens because you have put up with it so long that it has become a part of your “normal”.  When you step back to assess in neutrality, you can see that it’s insane what you are tolerating.  That is likely to make you angry.  The anger turns to judgement and both fuel your reaction.  The thing that you’ve been putting up with all of a sudden becomes a national emergency.  And the people who have been doing the thing that you have been putting up with are on the receiving end of your reaction.  But, they are confused.  You have implicitly informed them – maybe for years – (by your toleration) that this behavior is acceptable.  And now you’re ticked off?  You react and then they react and soon everyone is judging everyone else and you have – well, a mess. 

Rewind.

 

Today you are taking an assessment of what is working and not and you realize that you have allowed a certain behavior in your environment.  Either too busy to notice or too conflict-adverse to address it, it continues.  Have your feelings, for sure.  Don’t react to them.  Continue to assess and ask yourself what behavior you’d prefer.  When you figure it out, come clean.  “Guys this thing has been going on for some time and I apologize that I’ve never addressed.  I want to reset the expectation.  This is the expectation. What do you think we can do to change?  You might get some pushback – “this is the way we have always done it”.  It’s ok. no reaction needed.  Simply hold the boundary that the expectation has created.  The boundary creates safety and direction. “I know that’s the way we have done it for a year.  It’s important that we change it for these reasons….”   

When you create the change…don’t leave it dangling.  Coach those who are not meeting the new expectation (coach = asking open ended questions, sharing your observations and holding the intention that the person will make a good choice) and recognize the behaviors that you want to see continued. 

Soon, the toleration evaporates, and a new expectation is put into place. 

Where are you tolerating and, more importantly, why?  Take a self-assessment with these following tips:  

  1. Awareness:  You walk into the room and feel an energy drain.  What have you been tolerating that you may have never truly noticed? 
  2. Hold Your Reaction:  When you realize the toleration, what emotion do you feel?   
  3. The New Expectation:  What would you prefer to see instead?   
  4. Manage the Change:  Who else needs to be involved and what more needs to be communicated?   
  5. Coach and Recognize:  How can we sustain the new normal?   

The energy you formerly expended with the nagging tolerations and the mental chatter of judgment can be better spent creating the life and business that you desire.  It just takes a little awareness, some new expectations and then asking for what you want. 

Own Your Side of The Street

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Is there anything you need to clear up with anyone in your business or life?  Let’s do it.   

Clearing up with another person is about owning your side of the street for whatever drama or story you have been carrying around for however long that has been.  It’s about taking responsibility for your own life and experiences.    

When you’ve carried a resentment or judgment, the facts are blurred, and the story takes on a life of its own, creating energetic drag that leads to resistance.  Everything becomes more difficult and when your energy is drained you cannot lead effectively. 

What’s more, if you don’t clear things up, you run the risk of carrying the resentment or bad feelings into a new situation.  You become a prisoner to your own story.  It’s so much easier to deal with the facts while honoring the feeling. 

Consider the story of Claire. 

Claire was a rising executive in her organization.  She was a key confidante of the CEO and regularly was called upon for participation in key meetings and strategic sessions.  She was an invaluable executive in the company.   

There was only one problem.  Even though she led a key division in the organization, she was regularly left out of opportunities to “be at the table”.   

This came to a head when all executives, except Claire, were invited to a year-end celebration.  Her familiar reaction was to feel victimized and to blame outside of herself.  This led to hard feelings which impacted her willingness – even her ability – to participate.  

Thanks to some great coaching, she was able to turn it around and take responsibility for the exclusions.  She got curious and asked herself, “what am I doing that creates this outcome?”.  With that perspective and without blame, she cleared the air with her CEO.  She expressed her feelings of disappointment in the exclusions and owned how she had never challenged or asked for inclusion.   

This turned out well and illuminated something about which the senior executives were not aware.  Claire was included at the highest level from that day forward. 

She took responsibility for her situation and had the courage to own her part in it….and the temerity to ask for something different. 

Put yourself in Claire’s shoes.  Even though her story is not yours, I suspect there is something you’ve been hanging onto that could be cleared and create personal freedom. 

Here are five steps to clearing the air.  It’s a Freedom Formula – and it’s simple, but not easy. 

  1. When something happens, acknowledge the facts about it and not the made-up story.
  2.  Ask yourself, “what is my contribution to this situation?”  
  3. Unravel the story that you have made up about the situation, including the assumptions about the other person’s motive or anything that would cause you to blame and feel victimized. 
  4. Talk to the other person (if not feasible, write it in a letter you will not send).  This step is about the facts of the situation, stated without blame, coupled with whatever you need to apologize and whatever contribution you own.   
  5. The final step is to move forward – offering what you can do to clear this up with specific and clear actions or requests. 

This might seem counter-intuitive. We are wired to protect our personalities.  That protection often comes at the price of our freedom.  Maybe the relationship won’t be restored in Step Five, but what is restored is your energy and your integrity and your peace of mind.  

If you are aware of this and make clearing the air a regular practice, wonderful things will happen for you, not the least of which is: 

  • You will release situations that used to hang on for years draining your energy. 
  • You will become facile with factually sharing your withheld thoughts and learn to trust what you see and feel. 
  • You will resolve conflicts swiftly and professionally. 
  • You will have peace of mind. 

A key tenet to Leadership Mastery is knowing that whatever gets created out there is the direct result of something I’ve done or failed to do, it’s not somebody else’s fault.  I create my own reality.  

Speaking what’s true for me, without blame, restores connection and invites others to do the same.

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Since We are Talking About Emotional Intelligence, Ever Wondered About your own Leadership EQ? Take the Quiz…

If you want to find out about your own EQ skills, I’ve created a quiz for you. Don’t worry, no outside corporation will have your information. It’s just me and I’m a stickler for privacy. Click Here to go to the Do You Lead With Emotional Intelligence Quiz. A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now.

What’s Love (or Envy, Resentment or Insecurity) Got To Do With It?

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Until very recently, the business world has considered emotion to be something to be left outside of work. Unless you were trying to pluck someone’s heartstrings to accomplish a business goal (think marketers and sales professionals trying to hit a pain point or induce a sense of “gotta have it” urgency), you were expected to put your emotions away from 9 to 5, thank you very much.

But people aren’t machines. Emotions are intertwined with who we are as a species, and they drive every aspect of our behavior.

Think about a project you’ve worked on recently that you loved. You felt confident in your skills, you could see how it would help move your company forward, and you enjoyed the team you worked with. You kept the project moving along and made sure bottlenecks were resolved quickly so everything could wrap up on schedule.

Your emotions about the project, the people and even yourself were positive. Those emotions inspired your actions – and produced great results.

Now think back to a project that you didn’t feel so great about. Maybe you didn’t understand how it aligned with your organization’s goals. Maybe you didn’t believe it would work or that you were the right person for the project. Maybe you disliked some of the people on your team. Whatever it was, your emotions about the project were decidedly negative…

And your results reflected it.

  • Maybe you procrastinated on your contributions or on responding to requests from team members.
  • Maybe you withheld good ideas or were overly harsh in your criticism.
  • Maybe you bickered with your team members
  • or you let the project die a slow death.

Once again, your emotions drove your behavior… just like they are driving the behavior of every single person in your organization.

Most people are unaware of how their emotions influence their behavior – and even less aware that they have a choice in how they behave. Rather than choosing a response, they react blindly – and then the people around them react to their reactions. It becomes a chain reaction of typically negative behaviors. The resulting conflict and drama hamper productivity, prevent your team from achieving its goals, and create a toxic culture.

So what’s a CEO or business leader to do?

Simple: Learn to lead with emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence boils down to the realization that “I have emotions – and so do you.”

Once you recognize your emotions, you get to choose how you manage them. Contemplate how you can show up more powerfully as you decide, set the tone and understand:

  1. Decide: Emotionally intelligent leaders have the ability to deliberately and strategically choose how they manage their emotions. Instead of indulging in an angry outburst, for example, you might instead notice that you were angry and get curious as to why. You might stop yourself in the middle of an angry outburst and apologize for your reaction. Or you might simply admit, “Hey, I’m feeling angry so let’s take a little time out.”
  2. Tone: As the leader, you set the tone for your team – and perhaps for your entire organization. When you’re able to acknowledge your emotions and choose your reactions, you lead with authenticity, which inspires those around you to be more authentic, too. You also model the type of emotionally intelligent behavior that you want to see in your organization. This creates space that feels safer and more secure for your team to show up authentically.
  3. Understand: We all have emotions. But we have varying levels of emotional intelligence. Some people are able to easily manage their emotions, understand the emotional states of others and then respond accordingly. Others have to work harder to get in touch with their emotions and choose their responses after a lifetime of trying to ignore and stuff down how they feel.

The good news is that emotional intelligence is something you can cultivate. It just takes awareness and practice.

Shhhhh! Listen.

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We have stopped listening.

It’s apparent everywhere you turn. The media screams, the White House screams, the streets scream, and – in your face all the time – social media screams.

The greatest gift given to another is to listen. You create connection and meaning. You offer and receive a gift, The one listened to receives the gift of acknowledgement, recognition, attention. The one doing the listening receives wisdom, information and peace.

Listening is the key to making decisions, to solving problems, to changing all those things we are shouting about.

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“If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.”
~ Mark Twain ~
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Why don’t we do it very well?

Client after client and student after student tell me we don’t do it well because the moment another person starts talking, we have already begun to prepare our response. We stop being still, being curious, being connected and begin being in charge again, trying to control outcomes. The ‘listen to speak’ model neglects two important components in the listening process.

  1. Understanding the message and
  2. Interpreting through a filter cleaned of assumptions and judgments.

Many of us fool ourselves into believing we are great listeners. Be willing to be zen about this. In other words, let’s approach listening with a beginner’s mind. 

Consider 4 Action Steps to Listen Well:

  • Practice silence – your attention is like a prayer. Breathe deeply, become curious, be willing to suspend your agenda and sit quietly to allow the other person all the time they need.
  • Ask meaningful and open-ended questions as this encourages the speaker to clarify and continue.
  • Pay attention and honor emotion. Often what’s being said is more purely communicated in the emotions being expressed rather than the words being uttered.
  • Respond versus React. Pay attention to your own emotions as a listener. When we give in to the impulse of reaction, that’s when we jump in with our own agenda. Take a few deep breaths and stay with the conversation.

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“Effective questioning brings insight, which fuels curiosity, which cultivates wisdom.”
~ Chip Bell ~
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So that you do not you think this method is passive, let’s be clear.

Listening is active and alive and alert. When you listen and listen well, you are easily able to move into a meaningful dialogue with the other. This lets you go beyond the surface and that’s when the magic happens. Think about a time when you were in love. You hung on every word but there was nothing inactive in you. You felt alive and connected and deeply curious. Maybe listening is a lot like love!

We could all do with a good refresher on how to listen and listen well.  Listening deeply allows us to create new possibilities and seek common ground, rather than “my ground.”  The world is depending upon our willingness to upgrade this skill.

Let’s start listening…

 

 

 

 

P.S.  I’d like to invite you to the Leaders Inspired business page on Facebook.  Every Tuesday, I am broadcasting a short piece on leadership and EQ and would like you to be a part of it.  Join us for #TransformationTuesday, by liking the page here.

Practice the Platinum Rule

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While guesting with the fabulous Frankie Picasso on her Mission Unstoppable Podcast recently, we got to talking about what kind of behavior impacts engagement. She reminded me of the Platinum Rule.

Now, you might be thinking…I know about the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) and, although it may have emanated first from a holy book, it’s as universal as having a nose. But, what about the Platinum Rule?

When I am facilitating the Leadership Mastery series, I teach about this all of the time and, frankly, I had forgotten there was actually a rule about it. Happy for the reminder, I’m here to remind YOU.

The Platinum Rule is simply, “Treat others as THEY want to be treated”. This seemingly simple rule, kept or broken, can significantly impact engagement – so long as you are using it correctly.

Let’s dig in.

The Golden Rule is actually a problem we create in the workplace (or the world) without even knowing it. When we treat others as we would want to be treated, we have taken the focus off of the other and bounced it back to ourselves. We are saying, “Let me show you how I would prefer you do it in order to PLEASE ME”. The rule is a good start in terms of respect and regard but it stops short of what is needed today for connection and recognition.

The Platinum Rule is all about connection. You cannot execute this rule unless you truly know what the other person requires, what they like, what makes them tick. A risk, wafting off of the previous rule, is to make assumptions about what we think the other person wants. Can’t you see how that is still all about YOU?

The correct way to do this is to — wait for it—- here it comes—- ASK! Ask your employee, your co-worker, your boss, your wife. Ask what they prefer and what they want. And then, step two, LISTEN. Finally step three, take ACTION.

There is a positive outcome for executing this rule. Engagement, discretionary effort, good work attitude and enhanced communication are all positive effects of practicing this way of customizing personal communication.

Here is one example:

A large company I was working with questioned the effectiveness of the performance review process. This process, in it’s standard iteration, is all about MY assessment of YOU. In light of what we are talking about, can you see that would be problematic?

The team took a full year to create and perfect a new kind of review, the Talent Conversation, that shifted the conversation from assessment to inquiry. This “review” had a little more “preview” in it and perhaps there was still a bit of assessment but, the assessment was initiated from the employee. More important, the conversation focused on what the employee wanted to learn, perfect, grow and clearly articulated what success looked like from the company’s point of view. The process changed from the traditional look at lag measures (what has happened in the past) with a greater focus on lead measures (what can be created in the future). Most important, it was a robust conversation, creating connection and consideration of what kind of plan and ongoing interaction would support the employee for the growth they envisioned and desired. It also gave the manager personalized insight into what would support or diminish engagement. It busted assumptions and created data.

  • In this particular organization, the rate of internal promotions doubled. They are tracking for even more in 2018 as the organization is focused on where people want to grow and why they want to grow there.

You don’t have to re-do your performance management system to create this. You simply need to be willing to suspend your agenda and have a conversation with true intent to understand what the other person wants. Not everybody is motivated by the same thing. You can’t always give everyone everything that they want…but you can find out what makes people tick, what motivates them.

Maybe you want to start with one-on-ones with your employees. Good rule of thumb is to ask the associate to prepare the agenda and then let them talk 80% of the time. Scan yourself and you will likely see that you are doing most of the talking. How can you hear what is needed if you are doing all of the talking?

Or maybe you can start with rewards and recognition and kick the standardized, one-size-fits-all program to the curb in favor of fun and different ways of celebrating.

Wherever you start, begin with the OTHER in mind. Humans are complex and wonderful creatures and your natural sense of curiosity can really be satisfied when you practice the three steps of the Platinum Rule:

  1. Ask
  2. Listen
  3. Then, and only then, take customized action.

Stay Inspired!

Who is Your Leadership Lifeline

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I liked Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It was exciting, surprising and nerve-wracking to witness who would roll the dice, what they knew and when they needed help. One of my favorite concepts was the “lifeline”. When stuck, the player could cast a lifeline to someone in their life who they felt could offer the BEST support in this situation.

Who is your leadership lifeline?
This is a special kind of friend or colleague who will not argue for your limitations. Rather, they will call you to a higher place of wisdom and action. They will not let you sit in a victim mentality for long. Instead, they will help you find your contribution and your creative way to solving your issue. They will not rescue you or pity you. What they WILL do is compassionately hold space or wisely ask the right questions to get you moving again.

How many times do we get triggered by a person, place or thing (think your politically-opposite relative at the last family gathering)? Human nature says to sit in the trigger, justify the feelings, judge the other and be righteous in our own mis-guided feelings. When we are unconscious, we will seek out those friends and colleagues who will agree with us, help us justify our position, pat our heads, sit in judgement with us and help us stay stuck in our righteousness. OK, be real…you know you have either done this or been THAT person.

The person who is Your Lifeline won’t play the justification game with you. That’s why they may be the THIRD OR FOURTH person you reach out to. You reach out when you are tired of feeling like a victim or if you are on to yourself and really want to win this game of Leadership Mastery. If you are lucky or committed to practicing your EQ on a daily basis, perhaps they are the first call you will make. You see the worm-hole you are about to descend into and need that extra boost to stay the leadership course. Thank heaven for the lifeline friends!

What about you? Are you willing to be a Lifeline for the people in your life.

Lifeline Tips:

  • You are neutral and don’t take on the other person’s issue or point of view.
  • You stay open to their experience without judgment of the feelings they are having.
  • You neither agree nor disagree with their point of view.
  • You hold an intention that they are greater and more powerful than the trigger they are currently experiencing. You hold that intention STRONGLY.
  • You ask great open-ended questions that help them to make leadership decisions.
  • When appropriate, you offer wisdom or feedback directly and without leading them to your own agenda.
  • You never take credit for the outcome, remembering you are a vehicle – a lifeline – for them to create their own powerful outcomes.

Being a Lifeline for another leader requires a high level of Emotional Intelligence.

  • You are willing to acknowledge that you and the other person have feelings and judging those feelings is not useful.
  • You accept your own feeling and triggers and learn to manage them well, knowing in that action you become a beacon of hope for others still navigating these tricky waters.
  • You are committed to practicing key skills of listening, inquiry, feedback and finding an internal neutral place so that, overtime, you are not only a Lifeline, you are a JEDI-MASTER Lifeline.

There is no greater honor than to be asked to support another person’s emotional growth. The key to mutual success is to know how to and BE an Emotionally Intelligent Leader.

Stay Inspired!

What Does Success Look Like?

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While moving into a new office recently, I stumbled upon four boxes of unused staples that were more than 30 years old.  Flash back to my first business.  I certainly knew my craft, but I hardly knew how to manage a business, yet alone how to manage a team.

The details.  I had a business – my first.  This was before computers and cell phones were the norm.  This was a time for AT&T land lines, receptionist or answering machines and you certainly couldn’t conduct business from your home (or the beach or your camper….).  My first of three employees was Bev.

Bev was earnest, wanted to make a difference and needed to be kept busy. I didn’t have the first clue how to set success measures for her.  So, without a plan to successfully manage the organization as I practiced my craft, I ended that business. I returned to a corporate environment with boxes full of file folders, file labels, legal pads and STAPLES!!”

Without a success rudder and left to her own devices, Bev thought she was doing what the business needed by ensuring we would never run out of office supplies!  Needless to say, my lack of ability to articulate a clear plan with success measures for each person on the team led to the business’ demise and the beginning of my journey on how to be a great leader and manager.  This was my fault, not Bev’s.  She was doing the best she could with what she knew.  I didn’t help her to know any better.

Moral of the story…you must teach your people what success looks like, make sure the training and resources are there and then check in on the progress to inspect the expectations.

Here is what I’ve learned along the way:

  1. Expectations begin with the first interview.  Plan your behavioral interviewing questions to ascertain a fit for your environment.  In doing so you also plant the seeds of expectations for success.
  2. On boarding is all about letting your new employee know what success looks like.  From the lay of the land in the office, to introductions to important work partners, to how the welcome tone is set…each of these becomes implicit measures of success.
  3. First week to 30 days of training are for naught without clearly communicated success measures, pointing to the resources available and agreeing on what the check-in process looks like.
  4. Inspect your expectations.  When you have the check-in process articulated, do it!  Check-in and use this time as celebration or re-calibration.
  5. Use feedback and coaching wisely to continue the successful outcomes, redirect the unsuccessful and to re-negotiate or introduce new success measures.

As managers and leaders, we are often lost in our own unconscious competence and we fail to communicate what success looks like.  We assume people know or will figure it out.  Left to their own devices, they may turn into the best purchasing clerks in the world and you, too, could find four boxes of staples thirty years later.

 

Stay Inspired!

 

Be The Bridge of Communication

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You are a bridge.  As an emotionally intelligent leader, able to navigate emotions and needs, you provide a bridge to those who have diverse styles of communicating. You know how to meet people where they are. You are at one end of the bridge and at the other end of this very long bridge somebody needs to receive your message. If you deliver your message in the same way time and time again, you’re only going to meet a quarter of the population as three-quarters of the population receive information in a different manner than the way you’re communicating. The world needs your message, let’s make sure you are heard.

Communication is behavior and behavior is observable, situational, flexible, dynamic and based on your thoughts and beliefs. That means communication can change by your own conscious choice.

Think about the diversity of communication and its impact on how you do or don’t get along with certain people. If you were to make a list of people who were easy to be with and people who were difficult to be with, you would see that the people who are easy to be with are similar and those more difficult are different than you. Your styles are similar or different and when you don’t know how to shift your style to meet the need, hardship and pain are the result.

The Four Behavioral Styles

For the sake of simplicity, let’s morph all the many behavioral profile results and distill them down to four behavioral common styles.  You will be able to recognize yourself and others in your work and life as we discuss the four styles.

Pretend you’ve drawn a cross in the middle of the page.  At the top, you have outgoing and on the bottom reserved. You have someone task-oriented on the left side and you have someone people oriented on the right side. Which one is better?  None are better than the other, they simply are. They are ways that you are wired and show up, and all four parts of the matrix are absolutely needed and invaluable in running a business.

One style of communicator is the Driver. The driver is task-oriented and outgoing, they want to drive an agenda, they want to make things happen and they do it through tasks. They see the world as filled with problems that need to be resolved. They easily take risks and move rapidly.

A second style is the Seller. The seller is outgoing and enjoys being in the spotlight and being at the front of the class.  They are people oriented and want to lead a team that wins with people. They are very verbal and often charismatic. Relationships are important to them so they will accomplish their tasks through people.

The Analyzer is reserved and task-focused. They don’t need to nor do they want to be in the spotlight. They are too busy focused on getting a task accomplished by analyzing facts and data and historical information. They ask, “why?” and make certain that key corporate metrics are achieved correctly. They avoid conflict and look at the world from the prism of standards.

Our final style is the Team Player who is reserved, yet people-centric. They don’t necessarily want to be in the spotlight yet they’re also very people focused. They’re committed to making sure that the team wins together. Steady eddy types, they accomplish task with stability and harmony and don’t like change.

With that cursory description, can you guess who you are? Are you a driver? Are you a seller? Are you an analyzer or are you a team player? It doesn’t make any difference which of the many behavioral assessments you may have taken, you’re generally going to fall into one or two of these four styles

Pick Up the Clues and Customize

Now that you’ve seen all four of these folks, what does it mean for you? Take what you see about yourself and then pick up the clues on other’s behaviors and customize your leadership communication. Each guest, client and associate is unique and they all have a preferred method of communicating.  Without conscious thought, most selling or managing is based upon the behavioral style of the seller or the manager. If you truly are the bridge for communication, you will see that this is backward. Know thyself and adapt to serve the person on the other side of the bridge.

Conflicts in style can result in tension, discomfort and lost opportunities so adapting your approach to the needs of the others will improve your chances of collaboration and results, simple as that.

Put It into Action

To sum this up and make it actionable, follow these tips:

  • Recognize your responsibility to create the bridge so that your message is received.
  • Understand where you fit in the behavioral matrix and how you prefer to communicate.
  • Pick up the clues from those around you to determine their preferences.
  • Adjust your style to meet their needs
    • Bottom line for drivers
    • Create connection with sellers
    • Provide details and data to analyzers
    • Create a clear playing field for team players
  • Rinse and repeat until this all feels natural to you.

The Ideal Leadership Team

There is a distinct benefit of having all four styles on the team. The ideal leadership team is comprised of the driver who generates the ideas and insists on the results and the seller who will go out and promote the ideas and generate the enthusiasm and the team players who make certain that ideas are carried out and bring stability to the group and then finally the analyzers who make certain that key details are covered and that the project is done well. You need all four. There’s not one right and there’s not one wrong. Drivers, sellers, team players and analyzers, they complete the puzzle so you need to customize your style to their preferences. That creates your leadership choices of how you will communicate.

Emotional Intelligence is strengthened with practice and consciousness. The idea of communication diversity, creates an expanded playing field for the EQ leader and, in turn, creates a diverse customer service experience, stake-holder experience and employee experience. It pays dividends to customize your communication.

Stay Inspired!

 

The Three C’s – A Leadership Secret Weapon

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I’ve long been a fan of alliteration. I’m also crazy curious about numbers – I knew from an early age exactly how old I would be when the world hit the new millennium. I’ll make up rhymes and conjure philosophies with all A words or Z words. With that in mind, I often think about Leadership and EQ in terms of the alphabet. This time, the letter “C” caught my interest.

Contemplating Leadership and the letter, C, many words came crashing into my consciousness. Commitment, Connection, Critical-thinking, Command, Control, Conversation, – all great words. As the C’s began to take shape, three words emerged as a triumvirate formula for powerful leadership, creating a Leadership Secret Weapon. To be effective today and have impact across generations, cultures and mind-sets, leaders must possess, practice and master Courage, Compassion and Curiosity.

Real Leadership requires COURAGE

Susan Pearce writes in a 2016 HuffPost blog,

“…when you accept the invitation to be a real leader, you are accepting the condition of feeling uncomfortable. Every single day. At the basic level the definition of a leader is someone who goes first.”

Today’s environment, especially with all of the focus on millennial work requirements, does not favor old-time definitions of battle-field courage. Our current environment requires the kind of emotional and deep self-awareness courage that propels you forward into the fast-paced, people-executing decisions that are not a part of any current rule-book. Authenticity, transparency, decision-making and risks all are enhanced when your courage muscle is flexed.

Courage asks that you face and overcome fear. Fear shows up in all kinds of ways – self-doubt, indecision, not engaging in necessary conflict and dialogue, going along with the crowd.  This is behavior that keeps you squarely inside of your comfort zone, protected behind the bunker with head hidden in the sand.

Speaking of comfort zones, courage requires that you risk yourself out of the comfort zone. You won’t be happy in the moment, guaranteed, but remember that every time you venture out of the zone, you expand and take on more leadership band-with. You cannot lead effectively from inside the foxhole. That’s why it’s often called a leap of faith.

You are going to feel fear, but it will not paralyze you.

Remember there are tangible benefits for courageous behavior. People trust you, you can experiment, failing quickly is a norm, sneaky or hidden conversations can be surfaced quickly and courage has a funny way of enhancing accountability.

Courage also commands intelligence. You must be smart. Courageous actions and decisions are not made in folly – they are a bi-product of practice over time, data from decision making and keenly understanding both your (and company’s) values and priorities.

“Wherever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision.”
Peter Drucker

 

Real Leadership demands CURIOSITY

Curiosity shows up as the willingness to ask questions and then listen, genuinely seeking feedback and input from team members, surfacing assumptions, admitting mistakes and navigating the complex.

Those who lack curiosity are in danger of sticking inside the comfort zone of what is already known.  Can you imagine the implications of this rigidity in the light of Artificial Intelligence and the rapid advancement of innovation and technology?

Curiosity and Courage go hand in hand and often enjoy similar benefits:
Curiosity surfaces hidden agendas, contentious opinions, conflict and all with an open-ness and innocence of discovery.

Great leaders create breakthroughs by challenging the status quo. That challenge, coupled with curiosity, allows the breakthroughs to happen in community. Involving other people, networks are build, debate is encouraged, disparate ideas are synthesized and trust is built during the distillation process of decision making.

  • Curious leaders listen without agenda and are okay being wrong.
  • Open ended questions without a pre-conceived outcome are their friends.
  • They promote experimentation, questioning the legacy and surfacing the new, no matter where the idea comes from.

All of this is done in the spirit of adventure, of discovery, of wonder and with suspended judgment. This is the old Star-Trek mantra of “boldly going where no one has gone before”. The sense of adventure is palpable.

To become more curious, suspend your assumptions and ask great open-ended questions. Then, listen in the spirit of the student in order to learn and expand.

“Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”
Voltaire

 

Real leadership models COMPASSION

I like how Jeff Weiner of LinkedIn summed it up in 2016 Business Insider article, “Compassion” (is) understanding that their team members don’t necessarily see the world in the same way they do, and then making an effort to listen and understand rather than dictate”.

It takes self-awareness to be able to show up with compassion. Compassion has traditionally been viewed as weakness in corporate America. With the visibility of compassionate leaders such as Jeff Weiner of LinkedIn and the spotlight on mindfulness that we are witnessing in many corporate environments, compassion is rapidly emerging as a secret weapon.

Understanding and expressing facts is not enough (although people DO want to follow smart leaders). Adding the element of emotional clarity is important as people want to know that you feel what you feel and are unafraid of naming the emotion. More importantly, they want to know that you are aware of how they feel and can hold a space for the expression of their emotions.

This involves a reframing of me to we and is a strong driver of discretionary performance. It also involves the willingness to navigate frequently between the head and the heart, understanding that business is largely driven by people who have emotions.

A unique quality of compassion is the ability to transcend empathy (powerful unto itself) and have an inner knowing of what to DO or NOT to do in a situation to be of service.

A compassionate leader has a reservoir of inner strength, rising above the ego to become vulnerable for ourselves and others.  This modeling of power is transformative.

 “Compassion brings us to a stop, and for a moment we rise above ourselves.”
Mason Cooley

 

Your Secret Weapon

To sum it up, Compassion requires personal Courage and is a strong precursor to and follower to Curiosity. Suspending assumptions and judgement, understanding how to manage emotions (mine and yours) and having the courage of vulnerability, open discussion and transparency – there is your super secret leadership weapon.

A great result is that your employees see how you are acting and they feel safe with you. That safety permits them to give more discretionary effort which turns into engagement. Conflicts and problems are more easily surfaced and turned into opportunities. People are happier and your work, although never simple or easy, can be executed with less bumps and bruises.

Guess who else feels all of this? Your customers – the lifeline of your business. It pays in dividends to be curious, courageous and compassionate. These are all muscles that can be developed with your commitment and with practice.

There is major fire-power in this combination of Emotional Intelligence, IQ, courage, curiosity and compassion.

Where will you start?

Stay Inspired!

 

The Compassionate Termination

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Outside of public speaking, there is little that strikes fear into the hearts of managers more than having to terminate someone. Emotions, opinions, and judgments collide with a sincere desire to protect the company from adverse actions. Add to this any  disappointment that the relationship and work product have soured—and finally, heap on looking someone in the eye and saying, “Yes, I am firing you.”

You now have the perfect recipe for human disaster.

And that is why it is generally done poorly. We don’t know exactly what to say, how to protect the company, and in the middle of all of it are those messy human emotions.

But terminations don’t have to be this way. Terminations can be compassionate and dignified, and they can promote good will and self-esteem. They just need to be done a bit differently than you might imagine.

With some attention to emotional intelligence (EQ) and leadership, you have all the skills in your toolkit to create positive communication even in such trying circumstances. .

Why are terminations so difficult to do well?

People don’t want to cause friction. We are not wired to want to hurt people—and in fact, we are usually wired to want people to like us.

From a communication perspective, very few of us listen with the type of attention that might be required during a termination. We move swiftly toward expressing our point and then quickly move on.

Another reason terminations are so difficult to do well is just pure and unadulterated fear. What if I say the wrong thing and we get sued? What if the person has a strong reaction? What if they go postal on me? What if I’m just wrong? What if they cry? What if they spread rumors about me or the company?

What is a Compassionate Termination?

The compassionate termination is a respectful ending conversation between two individuals that discusses behavioral facts while honoring emotion.

Ten Principles of Compassionate Termination

Obstacles and opportunities are first created in the mind. Therefore, these ten principles address both mindset and mindful action. The first and overarching basic principle is that we are human beings doing the best we can with the information and situation at hand. When we know more and practice more, we do better. Consider the following principles as guidelines for more than just termination—indeed, they are guidelines for any emotionally-based conversation.

1. Be Present

How you show up will set the tone for the conversation. Become aware of, and clear up, any strong emotions you might have. You cannot predict the future, and the past is already complete. Show up now.

2. Check Assumptions and Judgment

You are human, so you have them. Being aware of them and neutralizing them allows you to be fair and in control of your own emotional response. The person you are terminating will feel this and his emotions will likely stabilize.

3. The Golden Rule

Simply put, treat people as you would like to be treated. If the shoe were on the other foot, what type of conversation would you want to have? How would you prefer to exit? What emotions might you be feeling that would need honoring?

4. Hold a Safe Place for Strong Reactions

Those who are being terminated will likely experience strong emotions, reactions, and defenses. Your job is to create a safe space for emotional expression – after all, you’ve already done your emotional work around this.

5. Don’t Play the Blame Game

The blame game never works. Your employee is likely to point fingers back at other colleagues, the company, or you. Stay in a neutral place. Redirect the conversation back to supporting him and looking toward the future.

6. Support the Terminated Employee’s Future

Speaking of futures, all compassionate terminations bear in mind that the person being terminated still has one. When the blame has subsided and the bargaining has completed, the person needs to leave the conversation with some hope for their future. In any way that you can, find something to appreciate about the person and offer hope for the next outcome. There is nothing more devastating than beginning a job search with shattered self-confidence.

7. Do What You Say You’re Going to Do

Think out and clearly communicate what you or the company is prepared to do for the individual. Write it out so that the communication is crystal-clear and then do it. Trust can be built and protected on the way out, too.

8. Balancing Act – Protect the Company, Honor the Individual

Be careful of over-offering information or opinions, but balance that protection of the company with appropriate appreciation for the human being.

9. Have You Done Your Job?

Is the employee surprised? Truly surprised? If so, then you have not done your job.

10. Don’t Act Abruptly; Don’t Wait Too Long

Timing is everything. If you wait too long, the conversation may become harsher. Additionally, your employee may have been feeling unsuccessful for too long already. But conversely, if you jump on an issue too soon, it’s perceived as micromanagement. Do your investigation, conduct your coaching and course-correcting, and keep open and honest communication. You will know when it’s time.

Some Final Thoughts

How many times have you heard a friend or family member express that their termination was, in hindsight, one of the best things that had happened to them?  Your compassion might help someone see that this really is the best decision, as painful as it feels in this moment.

Your thoughtful leadership will set the pace for thoughtful human interaction at every phase of the employee life cycle. But this is never more needed than at the end of someone’s employment. Your EQ will pay off in great dividends.

At the very core of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to understand that both employee and employer have feelings, and can manage those feelings. Leveraging a whole lot of EQ to customize an appropriate communication, rooted in dignity and respect, that discusses performance and outcomes rather than personality—that’s the winning ticket.

Nothing lasts forever – nothing. Learning to let go—and support others to do the same—lies at the heart of compassionate terminations.

Stay Inspired!

 

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