Leaders Inspired

Inspired Leaders Inspire Lives

What’s Love (or Envy, Resentment or Insecurity) Got To Do With It?

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Until very recently, the business world has considered emotion to be something to be left outside of work. Unless you were trying to pluck someone’s heartstrings to accomplish a business goal (think marketers and sales professionals trying to hit a pain point or induce a sense of “gotta have it” urgency), you were expected to put your emotions away from 9 to 5, thank you very much.

But people aren’t machines. Emotions are intertwined with who we are as a species, and they drive every aspect of our behavior.

Think about a project you’ve worked on recently that you loved. You felt confident in your skills, you could see how it would help move your company forward, and you enjoyed the team you worked with. You kept the project moving along and made sure bottlenecks were resolved quickly so everything could wrap up on schedule.

Your emotions about the project, the people and even yourself were positive. Those emotions inspired your actions – and produced great results.

Now think back to a project that you didn’t feel so great about. Maybe you didn’t understand how it aligned with your organization’s goals. Maybe you didn’t believe it would work or that you were the right person for the project. Maybe you disliked some of the people on your team. Whatever it was, your emotions about the project were decidedly negative…

And your results reflected it.

  • Maybe you procrastinated on your contributions or on responding to requests from team members.
  • Maybe you withheld good ideas or were overly harsh in your criticism.
  • Maybe you bickered with your team members
  • or you let the project die a slow death.

Once again, your emotions drove your behavior… just like they are driving the behavior of every single person in your organization.

Most people are unaware of how their emotions influence their behavior – and even less aware that they have a choice in how they behave. Rather than choosing a response, they react blindly – and then the people around them react to their reactions. It becomes a chain reaction of typically negative behaviors. The resulting conflict and drama hamper productivity, prevent your team from achieving its goals, and create a toxic culture.

So what’s a CEO or business leader to do?

Simple: Learn to lead with emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence boils down to the realization that “I have emotions – and so do you.”

Once you recognize your emotions, you get to choose how you manage them. Contemplate how you can show up more powerfully as you decide, set the tone and understand:

  1. Decide: Emotionally intelligent leaders have the ability to deliberately and strategically choose how they manage their emotions. Instead of indulging in an angry outburst, for example, you might instead notice that you were angry and get curious as to why. You might stop yourself in the middle of an angry outburst and apologize for your reaction. Or you might simply admit, “Hey, I’m feeling angry so let’s take a little time out.”
  2. Tone: As the leader, you set the tone for your team – and perhaps for your entire organization. When you’re able to acknowledge your emotions and choose your reactions, you lead with authenticity, which inspires those around you to be more authentic, too. You also model the type of emotionally intelligent behavior that you want to see in your organization. This creates space that feels safer and more secure for your team to show up authentically.
  3. Understand: We all have emotions. But we have varying levels of emotional intelligence. Some people are able to easily manage their emotions, understand the emotional states of others and then respond accordingly. Others have to work harder to get in touch with their emotions and choose their responses after a lifetime of trying to ignore and stuff down how they feel.

The good news is that emotional intelligence is something you can cultivate. It just takes awareness and practice.

Help is just around the corner! To support you to elevate your awareness and practice, I’m offering a new online training that is completely free and open to any CEO, business leader and employee who wants to learn more about increasing emotional intelligence. For full details about “3 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Leaders: How to Eliminate Drama, Increase Team Accountability, and Create an Amazing Culture” and to reserve your place, go here.  This is a powerful training and one you will truly benefit from.

Shhhhh! Listen.

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We have stopped listening.

It’s apparent everywhere you turn. The media screams, the White House screams, the streets scream, and – in your face all the time – social media screams.

The greatest gift given to another is to listen. You create connection and meaning. You offer and receive a gift, The one listened to receives the gift of acknowledgement, recognition, attention. The one doing the listening receives wisdom, information and peace.

Listening is the key to making decisions, to solving problems, to changing all those things we are shouting about.

________________________________________________________________________

“If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.”
~ Mark Twain ~
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Why don’t we do it very well?

Client after client and student after student tell me we don’t do it well because the moment another person starts talking, we have already begun to prepare our response. We stop being still, being curious, being connected and begin being in charge again, trying to control outcomes. The ‘listen to speak’ model neglects two important components in the listening process.

  1. Understanding the message and
  2. Interpreting through a filter cleaned of assumptions and judgments.

Many of us fool ourselves into believing we are great listeners. Be willing to be zen about this. In other words, let’s approach listening with a beginner’s mind. 

Consider 4 Action Steps to Listen Well:

  • Practice silence – your attention is like a prayer. Breathe deeply, become curious, be willing to suspend your agenda and sit quietly to allow the other person all the time they need.
  • Ask meaningful and open-ended questions as this encourages the speaker to clarify and continue.
  • Pay attention and honor emotion. Often what’s being said is more purely communicated in the emotions being expressed rather than the words being uttered.
  • Respond versus React. Pay attention to your own emotions as a listener. When we give in to the impulse of reaction, that’s when we jump in with our own agenda. Take a few deep breaths and stay with the conversation.

________________________________________________________________________

“Effective questioning brings insight, which fuels curiosity, which cultivates wisdom.”
~ Chip Bell ~
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So that you do not you think this method is passive, let’s be clear.

Listening is active and alive and alert. When you listen and listen well, you are easily able to move into a meaningful dialogue with the other. This lets you go beyond the surface and that’s when the magic happens. Think about a time when you were in love. You hung on every word but there was nothing inactive in you. You felt alive and connected and deeply curious. Maybe listening is a lot like love!

We could all do with a good refresher on how to listen and listen well.  Listening deeply allows us to create new possibilities and seek common ground, rather than “my ground.”  The world is depending upon our willingness to upgrade this skill.

Let’s start listening…

 

 

 

 

P.S.  I’d like to invite you to the Leaders Inspired business page on Facebook.  Every Tuesday, I am broadcasting a short piece on leadership and EQ and would like you to be a part of it.  Join us for #TransformationTuesday, by liking the page here.

Practice the Platinum Rule

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While guesting with the fabulous Frankie Picasso on her Mission Unstoppable Podcast recently, we got to talking about what kind of behavior impacts engagement. She reminded me of the Platinum Rule.

Now, you might be thinking…I know about the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) and, although it may have emanated first from a holy book, it’s as universal as having a nose. But, what about the Platinum Rule?

When I am facilitating the Leadership Mastery series, I teach about this all of the time and, frankly, I had forgotten there was actually a rule about it. Happy for the reminder, I’m here to remind YOU.

The Platinum Rule is simply, “Treat others as THEY want to be treated”. This seemingly simple rule, kept or broken, can significantly impact engagement – so long as you are using it correctly.

Let’s dig in.

The Golden Rule is actually a problem we create in the workplace (or the world) without even knowing it. When we treat others as we would want to be treated, we have taken the focus off of the other and bounced it back to ourselves. We are saying, “Let me show you how I would prefer you do it in order to PLEASE ME”. The rule is a good start in terms of respect and regard but it stops short of what is needed today for connection and recognition.

The Platinum Rule is all about connection. You cannot execute this rule unless you truly know what the other person requires, what they like, what makes them tick. A risk, wafting off of the previous rule, is to make assumptions about what we think the other person wants. Can’t you see how that is still all about YOU?

The correct way to do this is to — wait for it—- here it comes—- ASK! Ask your employee, your co-worker, your boss, your wife. Ask what they prefer and what they want. And then, step two, LISTEN. Finally step three, take ACTION.

There is a positive outcome for executing this rule. Engagement, discretionary effort, good work attitude and enhanced communication are all positive effects of practicing this way of customizing personal communication.

Here is one example:

A large company I was working with questioned the effectiveness of the performance review process. This process, in it’s standard iteration, is all about MY assessment of YOU. In light of what we are talking about, can you see that would be problematic?

The team took a full year to create and perfect a new kind of review, the Talent Conversation, that shifted the conversation from assessment to inquiry. This “review” had a little more “preview” in it and perhaps there was still a bit of assessment but, the assessment was initiated from the employee. More important, the conversation focused on what the employee wanted to learn, perfect, grow and clearly articulated what success looked like from the company’s point of view. The process changed from the traditional look at lag measures (what has happened in the past) with a greater focus on lead measures (what can be created in the future). Most important, it was a robust conversation, creating connection and consideration of what kind of plan and ongoing interaction would support the employee for the growth they envisioned and desired. It also gave the manager personalized insight into what would support or diminish engagement. It busted assumptions and created data.

  • In this particular organization, the rate of internal promotions doubled. They are tracking for even more in 2018 as the organization is focused on where people want to grow and why they want to grow there.

You don’t have to re-do your performance management system to create this. You simply need to be willing to suspend your agenda and have a conversation with true intent to understand what the other person wants. Not everybody is motivated by the same thing. You can’t always give everyone everything that they want…but you can find out what makes people tick, what motivates them.

Maybe you want to start with one-on-ones with your employees. Good rule of thumb is to ask the associate to prepare the agenda and then let them talk 80% of the time. Scan yourself and you will likely see that you are doing most of the talking. How can you hear what is needed if you are doing all of the talking?

Or maybe you can start with rewards and recognition and kick the standardized, one-size-fits-all program to the curb in favor of fun and different ways of celebrating.

Wherever you start, begin with the OTHER in mind. Humans are complex and wonderful creatures and your natural sense of curiosity can really be satisfied when you practice the three steps of the Platinum Rule:

  1. Ask
  2. Listen
  3. Then, and only then, take customized action.

Stay Inspired!

Who is Your Leadership Lifeline

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I liked Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It was exciting, surprising and nerve-wracking to witness who would roll the dice, what they knew and when they needed help. One of my favorite concepts was the “lifeline”. When stuck, the player could cast a lifeline to someone in their life who they felt could offer the BEST support in this situation.

Who is your leadership lifeline?
This is a special kind of friend or colleague who will not argue for your limitations. Rather, they will call you to a higher place of wisdom and action. They will not let you sit in a victim mentality for long. Instead, they will help you find your contribution and your creative way to solving your issue. They will not rescue you or pity you. What they WILL do is compassionately hold space or wisely ask the right questions to get you moving again.

How many times do we get triggered by a person, place or thing (think your politically-opposite relative at the last family gathering)? Human nature says to sit in the trigger, justify the feelings, judge the other and be righteous in our own mis-guided feelings. When we are unconscious, we will seek out those friends and colleagues who will agree with us, help us justify our position, pat our heads, sit in judgement with us and help us stay stuck in our righteousness. OK, be real…you know you have either done this or been THAT person.

The person who is Your Lifeline won’t play the justification game with you. That’s why they may be the THIRD OR FOURTH person you reach out to. You reach out when you are tired of feeling like a victim or if you are on to yourself and really want to win this game of Leadership Mastery. If you are lucky or committed to practicing your EQ on a daily basis, perhaps they are the first call you will make. You see the worm-hole you are about to descend into and need that extra boost to stay the leadership course. Thank heaven for the lifeline friends!

What about you? Are you willing to be a Lifeline for the people in your life.

Lifeline Tips:

  • You are neutral and don’t take on the other person’s issue or point of view.
  • You stay open to their experience without judgment of the feelings they are having.
  • You neither agree nor disagree with their point of view.
  • You hold an intention that they are greater and more powerful than the trigger they are currently experiencing. You hold that intention STRONGLY.
  • You ask great open-ended questions that help them to make leadership decisions.
  • When appropriate, you offer wisdom or feedback directly and without leading them to your own agenda.
  • You never take credit for the outcome, remembering you are a vehicle – a lifeline – for them to create their own powerful outcomes.

Being a Lifeline for another leader requires a high level of Emotional Intelligence.

  • You are willing to acknowledge that you and the other person have feelings and judging those feelings is not useful.
  • You accept your own feeling and triggers and learn to manage them well, knowing in that action you become a beacon of hope for others still navigating these tricky waters.
  • You are committed to practicing key skills of listening, inquiry, feedback and finding an internal neutral place so that, overtime, you are not only a Lifeline, you are a JEDI-MASTER Lifeline.

There is no greater honor than to be asked to support another person’s emotional growth. The key to mutual success is to know how to and BE an Emotionally Intelligent Leader.

Stay Inspired!

What Does Success Look Like?

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While moving into a new office recently, I stumbled upon four boxes of unused staples that were more than 30 years old.  Flash back to my first business.  I certainly knew my craft, but I hardly knew how to manage a business, yet alone how to manage a team.

The details.  I had a business – my first.  This was before computers and cell phones were the norm.  This was a time for AT&T land lines, receptionist or answering machines and you certainly couldn’t conduct business from your home (or the beach or your camper….).  My first of three employees was Bev.

Bev was earnest, wanted to make a difference and needed to be kept busy. I didn’t have the first clue how to set success measures for her.  So, without a plan to successfully manage the organization as I practiced my craft, I ended that business. I returned to a corporate environment with boxes full of file folders, file labels, legal pads and STAPLES!!”

Without a success rudder and left to her own devices, Bev thought she was doing what the business needed by ensuring we would never run out of office supplies!  Needless to say, my lack of ability to articulate a clear plan with success measures for each person on the team led to the business’ demise and the beginning of my journey on how to be a great leader and manager.  This was my fault, not Bev’s.  She was doing the best she could with what she knew.  I didn’t help her to know any better.

Moral of the story…you must teach your people what success looks like, make sure the training and resources are there and then check in on the progress to inspect the expectations.

Here is what I’ve learned along the way:

  1. Expectations begin with the first interview.  Plan your behavioral interviewing questions to ascertain a fit for your environment.  In doing so you also plant the seeds of expectations for success.
  2. On boarding is all about letting your new employee know what success looks like.  From the lay of the land in the office, to introductions to important work partners, to how the welcome tone is set…each of these becomes implicit measures of success.
  3. First week to 30 days of training are for naught without clearly communicated success measures, pointing to the resources available and agreeing on what the check-in process looks like.
  4. Inspect your expectations.  When you have the check-in process articulated, do it!  Check-in and use this time as celebration or re-calibration.
  5. Use feedback and coaching wisely to continue the successful outcomes, redirect the unsuccessful and to re-negotiate or introduce new success measures.

As managers and leaders, we are often lost in our own unconscious competence and we fail to communicate what success looks like.  We assume people know or will figure it out.  Left to their own devices, they may turn into the best purchasing clerks in the world and you, too, could find four boxes of staples thirty years later.

 

Stay Inspired!

 

Be The Bridge of Communication

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You are a bridge.  As an emotionally intelligent leader, able to navigate emotions and needs, you provide a bridge to those who have diverse styles of communicating. You know how to meet people where they are. You are at one end of the bridge and at the other end of this very long bridge somebody needs to receive your message. If you deliver your message in the same way time and time again, you’re only going to meet a quarter of the population as three-quarters of the population receive information in a different manner than the way you’re communicating. The world needs your message, let’s make sure you are heard.

Communication is behavior and behavior is observable, situational, flexible, dynamic and based on your thoughts and beliefs. That means communication can change by your own conscious choice.

Think about the diversity of communication and its impact on how you do or don’t get along with certain people. If you were to make a list of people who were easy to be with and people who were difficult to be with, you would see that the people who are easy to be with are similar and those more difficult are different than you. Your styles are similar or different and when you don’t know how to shift your style to meet the need, hardship and pain are the result.

The Four Behavioral Styles

For the sake of simplicity, let’s morph all the many behavioral profile results and distill them down to four behavioral common styles.  You will be able to recognize yourself and others in your work and life as we discuss the four styles.

Pretend you’ve drawn a cross in the middle of the page.  At the top, you have outgoing and on the bottom reserved. You have someone task-oriented on the left side and you have someone people oriented on the right side. Which one is better?  None are better than the other, they simply are. They are ways that you are wired and show up, and all four parts of the matrix are absolutely needed and invaluable in running a business.

One style of communicator is the Driver. The driver is task-oriented and outgoing, they want to drive an agenda, they want to make things happen and they do it through tasks. They see the world as filled with problems that need to be resolved. They easily take risks and move rapidly.

A second style is the Seller. The seller is outgoing and enjoys being in the spotlight and being at the front of the class.  They are people oriented and want to lead a team that wins with people. They are very verbal and often charismatic. Relationships are important to them so they will accomplish their tasks through people.

The Analyzer is reserved and task-focused. They don’t need to nor do they want to be in the spotlight. They are too busy focused on getting a task accomplished by analyzing facts and data and historical information. They ask, “why?” and make certain that key corporate metrics are achieved correctly. They avoid conflict and look at the world from the prism of standards.

Our final style is the Team Player who is reserved, yet people-centric. They don’t necessarily want to be in the spotlight yet they’re also very people focused. They’re committed to making sure that the team wins together. Steady eddy types, they accomplish task with stability and harmony and don’t like change.

With that cursory description, can you guess who you are? Are you a driver? Are you a seller? Are you an analyzer or are you a team player? It doesn’t make any difference which of the many behavioral assessments you may have taken, you’re generally going to fall into one or two of these four styles

Pick Up the Clues and Customize

Now that you’ve seen all four of these folks, what does it mean for you? Take what you see about yourself and then pick up the clues on other’s behaviors and customize your leadership communication. Each guest, client and associate is unique and they all have a preferred method of communicating.  Without conscious thought, most selling or managing is based upon the behavioral style of the seller or the manager. If you truly are the bridge for communication, you will see that this is backward. Know thyself and adapt to serve the person on the other side of the bridge.

Conflicts in style can result in tension, discomfort and lost opportunities so adapting your approach to the needs of the others will improve your chances of collaboration and results, simple as that.

Put It into Action

To sum this up and make it actionable, follow these tips:

  • Recognize your responsibility to create the bridge so that your message is received.
  • Understand where you fit in the behavioral matrix and how you prefer to communicate.
  • Pick up the clues from those around you to determine their preferences.
  • Adjust your style to meet their needs
    • Bottom line for drivers
    • Create connection with sellers
    • Provide details and data to analyzers
    • Create a clear playing field for team players
  • Rinse and repeat until this all feels natural to you.

The Ideal Leadership Team

There is a distinct benefit of having all four styles on the team. The ideal leadership team is comprised of the driver who generates the ideas and insists on the results and the seller who will go out and promote the ideas and generate the enthusiasm and the team players who make certain that ideas are carried out and bring stability to the group and then finally the analyzers who make certain that key details are covered and that the project is done well. You need all four. There’s not one right and there’s not one wrong. Drivers, sellers, team players and analyzers, they complete the puzzle so you need to customize your style to their preferences. That creates your leadership choices of how you will communicate.

Emotional Intelligence is strengthened with practice and consciousness. The idea of communication diversity, creates an expanded playing field for the EQ leader and, in turn, creates a diverse customer service experience, stake-holder experience and employee experience. It pays dividends to customize your communication.

Stay Inspired!

 

The Three C’s – A Leadership Secret Weapon

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I’ve long been a fan of alliteration. I’m also crazy curious about numbers – I knew from an early age exactly how old I would be when the world hit the new millennium. I’ll make up rhymes and conjure philosophies with all A words or Z words. With that in mind, I often think about Leadership and EQ in terms of the alphabet. This time, the letter “C” caught my interest.

Contemplating Leadership and the letter, C, many words came crashing into my consciousness. Commitment, Connection, Critical-thinking, Command, Control, Conversation, – all great words. As the C’s began to take shape, three words emerged as a triumvirate formula for powerful leadership, creating a Leadership Secret Weapon. To be effective today and have impact across generations, cultures and mind-sets, leaders must possess, practice and master Courage, Compassion and Curiosity.

Real Leadership requires COURAGE

Susan Pearce writes in a 2016 HuffPost blog,

“…when you accept the invitation to be a real leader, you are accepting the condition of feeling uncomfortable. Every single day. At the basic level the definition of a leader is someone who goes first.”

Today’s environment, especially with all of the focus on millennial work requirements, does not favor old-time definitions of battle-field courage. Our current environment requires the kind of emotional and deep self-awareness courage that propels you forward into the fast-paced, people-executing decisions that are not a part of any current rule-book. Authenticity, transparency, decision-making and risks all are enhanced when your courage muscle is flexed.

Courage asks that you face and overcome fear. Fear shows up in all kinds of ways – self-doubt, indecision, not engaging in necessary conflict and dialogue, going along with the crowd.  This is behavior that keeps you squarely inside of your comfort zone, protected behind the bunker with head hidden in the sand.

Speaking of comfort zones, courage requires that you risk yourself out of the comfort zone. You won’t be happy in the moment, guaranteed, but remember that every time you venture out of the zone, you expand and take on more leadership band-with. You cannot lead effectively from inside the foxhole. That’s why it’s often called a leap of faith.

You are going to feel fear, but it will not paralyze you.

Remember there are tangible benefits for courageous behavior. People trust you, you can experiment, failing quickly is a norm, sneaky or hidden conversations can be surfaced quickly and courage has a funny way of enhancing accountability.

Courage also commands intelligence. You must be smart. Courageous actions and decisions are not made in folly – they are a bi-product of practice over time, data from decision making and keenly understanding both your (and company’s) values and priorities.

“Wherever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision.”
Peter Drucker

 

Real Leadership demands CURIOSITY

Curiosity shows up as the willingness to ask questions and then listen, genuinely seeking feedback and input from team members, surfacing assumptions, admitting mistakes and navigating the complex.

Those who lack curiosity are in danger of sticking inside the comfort zone of what is already known.  Can you imagine the implications of this rigidity in the light of Artificial Intelligence and the rapid advancement of innovation and technology?

Curiosity and Courage go hand in hand and often enjoy similar benefits:
Curiosity surfaces hidden agendas, contentious opinions, conflict and all with an open-ness and innocence of discovery.

Great leaders create breakthroughs by challenging the status quo. That challenge, coupled with curiosity, allows the breakthroughs to happen in community. Involving other people, networks are build, debate is encouraged, disparate ideas are synthesized and trust is built during the distillation process of decision making.

  • Curious leaders listen without agenda and are okay being wrong.
  • Open ended questions without a pre-conceived outcome are their friends.
  • They promote experimentation, questioning the legacy and surfacing the new, no matter where the idea comes from.

All of this is done in the spirit of adventure, of discovery, of wonder and with suspended judgment. This is the old Star-Trek mantra of “boldly going where no one has gone before”. The sense of adventure is palpable.

To become more curious, suspend your assumptions and ask great open-ended questions. Then, listen in the spirit of the student in order to learn and expand.

“Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”
Voltaire

 

Real leadership models COMPASSION

I like how Jeff Weiner of LinkedIn summed it up in 2016 Business Insider article, “Compassion” (is) understanding that their team members don’t necessarily see the world in the same way they do, and then making an effort to listen and understand rather than dictate”.

It takes self-awareness to be able to show up with compassion. Compassion has traditionally been viewed as weakness in corporate America. With the visibility of compassionate leaders such as Jeff Weiner of LinkedIn and the spotlight on mindfulness that we are witnessing in many corporate environments, compassion is rapidly emerging as a secret weapon.

Understanding and expressing facts is not enough (although people DO want to follow smart leaders). Adding the element of emotional clarity is important as people want to know that you feel what you feel and are unafraid of naming the emotion. More importantly, they want to know that you are aware of how they feel and can hold a space for the expression of their emotions.

This involves a reframing of me to we and is a strong driver of discretionary performance. It also involves the willingness to navigate frequently between the head and the heart, understanding that business is largely driven by people who have emotions.

A unique quality of compassion is the ability to transcend empathy (powerful unto itself) and have an inner knowing of what to DO or NOT to do in a situation to be of service.

A compassionate leader has a reservoir of inner strength, rising above the ego to become vulnerable for ourselves and others.  This modeling of power is transformative.

 “Compassion brings us to a stop, and for a moment we rise above ourselves.”
Mason Cooley

 

Your Secret Weapon

To sum it up, Compassion requires personal Courage and is a strong precursor to and follower to Curiosity. Suspending assumptions and judgement, understanding how to manage emotions (mine and yours) and having the courage of vulnerability, open discussion and transparency – there is your super secret leadership weapon.

A great result is that your employees see how you are acting and they feel safe with you. That safety permits them to give more discretionary effort which turns into engagement. Conflicts and problems are more easily surfaced and turned into opportunities. People are happier and your work, although never simple or easy, can be executed with less bumps and bruises.

Guess who else feels all of this? Your customers – the lifeline of your business. It pays in dividends to be curious, courageous and compassionate. These are all muscles that can be developed with your commitment and with practice.

There is major fire-power in this combination of Emotional Intelligence, IQ, courage, curiosity and compassion.

Where will you start?

Stay Inspired!

 

The Compassionate Termination

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Outside of public speaking, there is little that strikes fear into the hearts of managers more than having to terminate someone. Emotions, opinions, and judgments collide with a sincere desire to protect the company from adverse actions. Add to this any  disappointment that the relationship and work product have soured—and finally, heap on looking someone in the eye and saying, “Yes, I am firing you.”

You now have the perfect recipe for human disaster.

And that is why it is generally done poorly. We don’t know exactly what to say, how to protect the company, and in the middle of all of it are those messy human emotions.

But terminations don’t have to be this way. Terminations can be compassionate and dignified, and they can promote good will and self-esteem. They just need to be done a bit differently than you might imagine.

With some attention to emotional intelligence (EQ) and leadership, you have all the skills in your toolkit to create positive communication even in such trying circumstances. .

Why are terminations so difficult to do well?

People don’t want to cause friction. We are not wired to want to hurt people—and in fact, we are usually wired to want people to like us.

From a communication perspective, very few of us listen with the type of attention that might be required during a termination. We move swiftly toward expressing our point and then quickly move on.

Another reason terminations are so difficult to do well is just pure and unadulterated fear. What if I say the wrong thing and we get sued? What if the person has a strong reaction? What if they go postal on me? What if I’m just wrong? What if they cry? What if they spread rumors about me or the company?

What is a Compassionate Termination?

The compassionate termination is a respectful ending conversation between two individuals that discusses behavioral facts while honoring emotion.

Ten Principles of Compassionate Termination

Obstacles and opportunities are first created in the mind. Therefore, these ten principles address both mindset and mindful action. The first and overarching basic principle is that we are human beings doing the best we can with the information and situation at hand. When we know more and practice more, we do better. Consider the following principles as guidelines for more than just termination—indeed, they are guidelines for any emotionally-based conversation.

1. Be Present

How you show up will set the tone for the conversation. Become aware of, and clear up, any strong emotions you might have. You cannot predict the future, and the past is already complete. Show up now.

2. Check Assumptions and Judgment

You are human, so you have them. Being aware of them and neutralizing them allows you to be fair and in control of your own emotional response. The person you are terminating will feel this and his emotions will likely stabilize.

3. The Golden Rule

Simply put, treat people as you would like to be treated. If the shoe were on the other foot, what type of conversation would you want to have? How would you prefer to exit? What emotions might you be feeling that would need honoring?

4. Hold a Safe Place for Strong Reactions

Those who are being terminated will likely experience strong emotions, reactions, and defenses. Your job is to create a safe space for emotional expression – after all, you’ve already done your emotional work around this.

5. Don’t Play the Blame Game

The blame game never works. Your employee is likely to point fingers back at other colleagues, the company, or you. Stay in a neutral place. Redirect the conversation back to supporting him and looking toward the future.

6. Support the Terminated Employee’s Future

Speaking of futures, all compassionate terminations bear in mind that the person being terminated still has one. When the blame has subsided and the bargaining has completed, the person needs to leave the conversation with some hope for their future. In any way that you can, find something to appreciate about the person and offer hope for the next outcome. There is nothing more devastating than beginning a job search with shattered self-confidence.

7. Do What You Say You’re Going to Do

Think out and clearly communicate what you or the company is prepared to do for the individual. Write it out so that the communication is crystal-clear and then do it. Trust can be built and protected on the way out, too.

8. Balancing Act – Protect the Company, Honor the Individual

Be careful of over-offering information or opinions, but balance that protection of the company with appropriate appreciation for the human being.

9. Have You Done Your Job?

Is the employee surprised? Truly surprised? If so, then you have not done your job.

10. Don’t Act Abruptly; Don’t Wait Too Long

Timing is everything. If you wait too long, the conversation may become harsher. Additionally, your employee may have been feeling unsuccessful for too long already. But conversely, if you jump on an issue too soon, it’s perceived as micromanagement. Do your investigation, conduct your coaching and course-correcting, and keep open and honest communication. You will know when it’s time.

Some Final Thoughts

How many times have you heard a friend or family member express that their termination was, in hindsight, one of the best things that had happened to them?  Your compassion might help someone see that this really is the best decision, as painful as it feels in this moment.

Your thoughtful leadership will set the pace for thoughtful human interaction at every phase of the employee life cycle. But this is never more needed than at the end of someone’s employment. Your EQ will pay off in great dividends.

At the very core of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to understand that both employee and employer have feelings, and can manage those feelings. Leveraging a whole lot of EQ to customize an appropriate communication, rooted in dignity and respect, that discusses performance and outcomes rather than personality—that’s the winning ticket.

Nothing lasts forever – nothing. Learning to let go—and support others to do the same—lies at the heart of compassionate terminations.

Stay Inspired!

 

Leader or Manager?

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“Bad leaders care about who is right.  Good leaders care about what is right.”
– Simon Sinek

Per the Gallup Organization, 75% of workers who leave jobs do so because of poor relationships with their boss (aka – manager).

Assumption. Everyone reading this is a manager of people, process or project. Even if you are a sole business owner, you’ll sit in the management function because you must run your business. Management is the job of running the business.

  • Needed?…
  • Yes. 
  • Coveted?…
  • Sometimes.

In our signature system, Leadership Mastery™, we always begin by sorting the behaviors and characteristics of managers and leaders to understand the distinction. Imagine a sheet of paper with a line drawn down the middle and on the left side is manager and the right side is leader, what goes in each category?

Manager versus Leader

Managers are responsible for executing and delivering the strategy either through people or process. Your list may include P&L’s, defining goals, hiring and firing, inventory and other executable tasks. You own the daily list; the monthly list; the annual list of things that move your business forward. This is needed in any kind of a business. From a sole entrepreneur to a fortune 500 company, there must be a management process in place.
The Leader board will be different. Here is where you will find inspiration, vision, listening, motivation, and coaching. These are all characteristics that define a quality of being.

There is a distinct difference. Managers are doing and Leaders are being. 

Do you have to be manager to be a leader? No.  A leader can bubble up from any strata of any part of any company. Think about a line level employee who, without title, has a group of people willing to follow their lead?

Positional Power

Here is the important question – have you ever been managed by a manager (maybe this was you) who did not have leadership qualities? This is the manager who has a title and has not yet developed the necessary skills or attitudes to lead, but rather uses positional power to maneuver.

The manager who has not been trained or encouraged to adopt leadership behaviors is trouble waiting to happen.  You might be feared and maybe respected, but never fully followed. When you top-down manage by relying on your title, your employees may never own their own power and never be fully accountable for their own outcomes.  Positional power kills engagement.

Versus Personal Power

A leader works from the inside out with personal power. A leader moves people into action with influence, understanding and managing emotions, empathy and clear communication. The result is that employees are led to their own outcomes, there is a greater likelihood of accountability and people are willing to function as a team.

Now imagine your management duties imbued with leadership qualities. The outcome is likely engagement, satisfaction and enhanced discretionary effort (results!).

The manager tells and the leader influences. Those who are told are taught to be dependent and those who are influenced are taught to think for themselves from a place of purpose.

What kind of business team would you like to manage?

Leadership Tip

If you are ready for a leadership upgrade, take stock of how you are showing up in your business. Make a list of the leadership qualities that are strong in you and those that are not.  From that list, choose an action to practice for the next few weeks to elevate your leadership ability.

Stay Inspired!

Emotional Intelligence – The Soft Skills?

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Emotional Intelligence – The Soft Skills? 

eq heart and muscle

I chuckle whenever I hear Emotional Intelligence referred to as “Soft Skills”.  There is nothing soft about it.  To acquire high level leadership skills, to master emotions, to develop relationships, to deal with humanity – these are some of the hardest skills to acquire, practice and master.  Interestingly enough, they are also some of the most requested skills by employees in the workforce today.  Great leaders recognize this and are readying their training and coaching to provide these skills.

EQ demands a re-wiring of much of what we have believed about command and control.  It requires that we clean our personal filters of outdated beliefs, habits and paradigms and experience personal transformation.  Our businesses, our lives, our world expects this and needs this now.  Are you ready?

What Is Emotional Intelligence (EQ)? 

Let’s look at the basic premise of EQ.  This matrix was inspired by the work of Daniel Goleman, a pioneer in the EQ movement.  The left side of the matrix is about YOU – You have emotions (top) and, to be effective, you must manage those emotions (bottom).  On the right side, those effective with EQ also recognize that others have emotions (top) and because of that, have some great clues how to manage the relationship or environment (bottom).

EQ defined 2

Human-beings are tricky.  What ought to be clear cut and replete with common sense, becomes murky and complicated.

Beware of Reaction 

Have you ever looked back and realized that you had spent an inordinate amount of energy justifying an emotion (usually negative)?  Think of the last time someone hurt you or disappointed you?  How much time did you spend in finger pointing and blaming?  Self-control goes out the window and responsiveness becomes reaction; optimism morphs into resistance.  In such a frame of mind, how could you possibly even try to understand where the other person is coming from, much less inspire the environment or promote collaboration?

On the other side, remember a time when you were more than a little mixed up in care-taking the feelings of another person?  Compassion turns to empathy which turns to enabling.  There is no managing the relationship or the environment because you have taken your eye off the bigger picture  to hone in on one person’s suffering.

In our Leadership Mastery Training and Coaching, we spend a lot of time unwinding the drama triangle to find out how we get stuck in these patterns; stuck in the glue of being human.  No wonder that concept alone becomes a leadership game changer.

Emotional Intelligence asks us to take a step back and take some deep breaths and understand that everyone is wired to have emotions. Emotions may pop up from anywhere; from any stimulus; from any trigger. The skill we are building is to see them, get to a neutral set point and make some choices about how we want to respond. This take practice and a lot of unwinding of old patterns and mindsets.

I believe EQ is the mindset miracle, leading to joy and satisfaction in our relationships and with ourselves.

How EQ-ready are you?  Here’s a 6-point path of transformation.

  1. I acknowledge I have emotions and sometimes I use them well and other times, not so well.
  2. I understand what triggers me and can physically and mentally realize I am triggered.
  3. I get that I have the wherewithal to choose how I express my emotions.
  4. I have compassion for you and the emotions you are feeling.
  5. I can get to a neutral set-point and coach myself and you into response, rather than reaction.
  6. I commit to the relationship, the organization or the culture and hold the view that we are better together when we are truly transparent about what is going on.

The only way to EQ readiness is to practice.  Be prepared to make some mistakes and use them as muscle building.  Your mastery of Emotional Intelligence makes you a unique and valued leader, creating emotional safety for those around you.  With emotional safety comes the desire to risk, be bold, be honest and achieve outstanding results.

world heart

Take the EQ Quiz:

If you want to find out about your own EQ skills, I’ve created a quiz for you.  Just click here to go to the What Is Your EQ Leadership assessment.  A few short questions and you will receive your results and a little extra coaching by email to help elevate from where you are now.

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Wheeling, Illinois 60090

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